I pretty much have 19 days til Christmas (and so do you.)
I have to not only come up with money to buy things for my family. I also have to come up with things that I want. UGH.
I love Christmas, and I like getting presents, and I really love getting them.
But I had a lot of money last year. I have no money this year. None.
I also hate coming up with specific things for Christmas. I never can come up with things to tell my mom.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Yeah, I'm posting here, what of it.
Sometimes, sometimes I miss home a lot. Sometimes all I can think about is how, if I were at home at least I would have someone to go to Wal-Mart with at midnight, on a Wednesday, because I was bored. And I think back to a year ago, how I ran the Beanery hardcore on Monday and Wednesdays, banked on tips, my entire work life revolved around when the cute Verizon guy was there, and what hilarious Earl stories I could tell people. It seems pretty sweet, you know? Like, it was a 'coosh' job; all I did was make coffee, which I generally enjoy doing, and listen to whatever the heck music I felt like listening to; I got there pretty when I wanted to (within a half hour of when I was supposed to) and didn't have to worry about clocking in, because I always wrote down 8:30 or before. I got to wear what I wanted, go on break when I wanted, do whatever. It was good. I had friends I hung out with regularly, I didn't do anything exciting, but it seemed like something.
Sometimes I just think about all the great things about a year ago, and I'm like "whoa, life was swell, wasn't it?"
But then, I'm like, whoa. No. Wait a minute.
Last year I was on anti-depressants, that caused me to gain weight that I haven't been able to lose a year later. I was miserable most of the time when I was working, because I would dwell on how gross I felt like I looked; or contemplating how my medicine made me feel emotionless or that my friends must be plotting the unavoidable process of ditching me. It was awful. I had just quit school without telling anyone. And as mad as I was at myself for it. As much as I wanted almost kill myself over it (not totally, but I thought about it, car accident) most people just got mad at me over it, that I didn't tell them, like it would've been easy, and how they could've helped me. Which was lame, they weren't helping me, they should've tried before they knew about the school thing; the school thing was a bi-product of a bigger problem. I have had a hard time forgiving from that time, I think. Last year I was trying so desperately to put on a happy face, and usually could when I was around people, which kind of put my deeper into the place I was in. It was an issue that I didn't know how to resolve.
So, I guess, so what that I made bank on tips from cell phone guys who wouldn't look twice at me if I wasn't making their coffee. So what. I was depressed in a way that I can barely even comprehend anymore (not that I'm "better" or "cured", but improved to the point where that time seems so scary and unknown.) Why would I want to be back then? I don't. I don't.
I'm not writing this to mope. I'm writing this about the future.
Right now, life isn't easy. Sometimes I'm amazed at how lonely I get, how long I've been here, how comfortable I feel in Kansas City and yet I know almost no one. I don't have any friends from school, none, not a one. I have friends in my roommates, and I have been very blessed to live in this house, but I'll be moving out the first of the year. It seems weird, because I'm waiting to start a new life, but I'm just living in another city; it's not actually a new life.
And. that's. okay.
Since I've been in Kansas City, I've been exposed to people who love the Lord with such ferocity and passion; I've never experienced that before in such a vivid way. I've know adults who I've considered so devout, but rarely my peers, rarely young people. But that's all I see, people my age who are not caught up in intellectual humanism, who are not idiots either; intelligent, hip, twenty-somethings, college kids who have decided to take this part of their life to be passionate about the Lord. I have always had a hard time with being in an environment where individualism ruled; where loving God was a hobby and to a lot of "open minded people" a sign of weakness and offensive. I didn't get it. I didn't understand why it was okay to hate things in the name of equality.
I don't want to preach at people, I don't really even want to evangelize. I don't want to stop listening to rap music, or reading Chuck Klosterman, or listening to NPR. I don't even want to tell you that you're wrong. I just want to say, I'm kind of happy that I found my niche.
I don't know, it's just really cool to me to find joy in loving God. I have such a hard time finding joy.
I don't want to talk to you about abortion, or gay rights, or evolution, or any other hot button topic. I don't necessarily agree with FOXnews, and I am pretty sure there is something wrong with Joel Osteen, and Pat Robinson really needs to be careful with what he says. I don't really like Christian music, most of what comes out of it is just as manufactured as anything anywhere else.
But, what I do want to tell you is, even though I'm kind of living the same life as I was a year ago, a year ago I didn't know that God loved me with the intensity that He does. I didn't know what it felt like to find Joy in the Lord. I didn't know what it meant to be on your face praying for four hours a day and feel anything.
and now I do.
And, sometimes, I wish that I knew what I know now a year ago. And that I was making bank on tips.
Sometimes I just think about all the great things about a year ago, and I'm like "whoa, life was swell, wasn't it?"
But then, I'm like, whoa. No. Wait a minute.
Last year I was on anti-depressants, that caused me to gain weight that I haven't been able to lose a year later. I was miserable most of the time when I was working, because I would dwell on how gross I felt like I looked; or contemplating how my medicine made me feel emotionless or that my friends must be plotting the unavoidable process of ditching me. It was awful. I had just quit school without telling anyone. And as mad as I was at myself for it. As much as I wanted almost kill myself over it (not totally, but I thought about it, car accident) most people just got mad at me over it, that I didn't tell them, like it would've been easy, and how they could've helped me. Which was lame, they weren't helping me, they should've tried before they knew about the school thing; the school thing was a bi-product of a bigger problem. I have had a hard time forgiving from that time, I think. Last year I was trying so desperately to put on a happy face, and usually could when I was around people, which kind of put my deeper into the place I was in. It was an issue that I didn't know how to resolve.
So, I guess, so what that I made bank on tips from cell phone guys who wouldn't look twice at me if I wasn't making their coffee. So what. I was depressed in a way that I can barely even comprehend anymore (not that I'm "better" or "cured", but improved to the point where that time seems so scary and unknown.) Why would I want to be back then? I don't. I don't.
I'm not writing this to mope. I'm writing this about the future.
Right now, life isn't easy. Sometimes I'm amazed at how lonely I get, how long I've been here, how comfortable I feel in Kansas City and yet I know almost no one. I don't have any friends from school, none, not a one. I have friends in my roommates, and I have been very blessed to live in this house, but I'll be moving out the first of the year. It seems weird, because I'm waiting to start a new life, but I'm just living in another city; it's not actually a new life.
And. that's. okay.
Since I've been in Kansas City, I've been exposed to people who love the Lord with such ferocity and passion; I've never experienced that before in such a vivid way. I've know adults who I've considered so devout, but rarely my peers, rarely young people. But that's all I see, people my age who are not caught up in intellectual humanism, who are not idiots either; intelligent, hip, twenty-somethings, college kids who have decided to take this part of their life to be passionate about the Lord. I have always had a hard time with being in an environment where individualism ruled; where loving God was a hobby and to a lot of "open minded people" a sign of weakness and offensive. I didn't get it. I didn't understand why it was okay to hate things in the name of equality.
I don't want to preach at people, I don't really even want to evangelize. I don't want to stop listening to rap music, or reading Chuck Klosterman, or listening to NPR. I don't even want to tell you that you're wrong. I just want to say, I'm kind of happy that I found my niche.
I don't know, it's just really cool to me to find joy in loving God. I have such a hard time finding joy.
I don't want to talk to you about abortion, or gay rights, or evolution, or any other hot button topic. I don't necessarily agree with FOXnews, and I am pretty sure there is something wrong with Joel Osteen, and Pat Robinson really needs to be careful with what he says. I don't really like Christian music, most of what comes out of it is just as manufactured as anything anywhere else.
But, what I do want to tell you is, even though I'm kind of living the same life as I was a year ago, a year ago I didn't know that God loved me with the intensity that He does. I didn't know what it felt like to find Joy in the Lord. I didn't know what it meant to be on your face praying for four hours a day and feel anything.
and now I do.
And, sometimes, I wish that I knew what I know now a year ago. And that I was making bank on tips.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
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