I'm not above it.

I just want you to care about me, because honey, I care about you.

Today was weird.

School was weird.
I felt weird.
My car was acting weird.
Work was weird.
Jen A was back at work, and she quit, so that was weird.
I had no customers all night. No customers means no tips.
I only made two dollars.


A guy from Verizon came in and then left before saying a word to me, and totally bought cookies upstairs. He even came back the long way, and walked upstairs, and back down the only way he wouldn't have to walk past the bean.
Then walked by later and said "I'm really bummed you don't have any cookies! Oh man, I had to buy expensive ones."
Even he felt like he was cheating on me, buying cookies from Great American Cookie (even though those are so much better.) I mean come on, V-guy, you haven't talked to me in three weeks, it's a little depressing.


Fred and ANDEE (SEE THAT ANDEE? ANDEEEE??? WHAT THE FU--- nevermind.)
Came in RIGHT BEFORE nine, which was annoying. He is so so so stupid sometimes, it kills me. So I texted him that I hoped he was going to be okay, and that he has to realize that she's going to hurt his feelings. So he called me tonight when I got home to tell me how much he appreciated that I care enough about him to look out for him, but they are really good friends now.
Which is nice, that he appreiates me. But I really don't want to have basketcase Fred on my hands. Oh well.

I think I'm going to Kansas City next semester.
I think I'm going to see Okkervil River and Black Rebel Motorcycle club this month. (Not together, but the Turnbull ACs are playing with Okkervil, which is neat.) (Who knew that there were NOT crappy bands that came to madhatter, who knew?)

I don't know how.

What kind of confusion cannot I withstand? This kind, the kind that I'm feeling at this moment; this kind that is screaming at me that I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life. The kind that has been wondering if I've totally messed up or if things are okay. I have no clue, and it's terrifying.

I cannot withstand.

"And he really said 'holla', not joking."

I'm ready for summer.

I'm ready to ... ugh.

Dave said he's going to hook me up with Verizon guy....hahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

No.

Verizon Guy loves me ALL ON HIS OWN. Doesn't Dave get that? (no.) and (he doesn't love me, but one day he will.)

Sometimes I push things.

<<<<---

I got this today.
Only, I have a bigger... you know, butt.

I liiiiike it.
I'm wearing it to work tomorrrrrrow.

And monday. Because I need to look good. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Like I said pushing things (stupid things) too far.

Going to a Wedding in two days, have nothing to wear.
But I do have : an iPod shuffle. Named Etienne.

Annnnd, I don't like how blogger posts pictures.

Time to close down the library.

Hopefully not too many more days of this...

LOVE YOU. SRSLY.

I've seen those English Dramas too, they're cruel.

I have a lot of beginnings of things written, very few endings though.

Spring Break has come and gone, and it's not even remotely spring-like out yet; though, it had been raining for two days, that's a fairly characteristically spring-like thing, isn't it? It's sunny out today. I thought it would be warmer, but it isn't yet; in a round about way I'm saying that I didn't dress warm enough to endure the walk onto campus very well. I always forget that just because WNKU says that it'll be warm doesn't mean it'll actually be warm at NKU. They may be on campus, but they're giving weather for the whole greater Cincinnati area, and that campus is always colder and windier than anywhere else.
I'm more or less complaining because I forgot my scarf.

----------------

Kansas City was pretty good; I got a record player.

Wednesday was a fun day, minus the fact that I burnt my hand really bad with soy foam (further reason why I hate it.) I had no class (well one, but whatever) but I was meeting Jane at Northern after 2ish, so I stayed on campus for awhile. Until I got too bored and decided to leave and walk around at Crestview. I bought rain shoes at DSW, they're like rain boots, only not boots, shoes. They're rubber. But hounds tooth pattern, and cute.
Then I went to Goodwill, and sifted through a ridiculous amount of awful Christmas records.
I looked cute, I was wearing a hat and a cute coat. There was an almost cute wannabe hipster guy looking through the tshirts (how typical) who kept looking at me obviously.
It was a little creepy, but kind of fulfilling in the long run.
Since LPs are a dollar (and most times not even worth that, at goodwill) I bought three.

Carole King's Tapestry album, Bing Crosby Sings his favorites album, and the Bay City Rollers (s-a-t-u-r-d-a-y night.) I am just happy because I can play them.

After my little record buying excursion, I came home; then I went back to crestview (gasgasgasgas) and met up with Jane in Borders and bought the new Adam Green. He is weird, and I haven't listened to it yet.
She bought The Life Pursuit by Belle and Sebastian so we listened to that really loud in the car.

Then we went to the mall, I spilled really really hot foamy soy milk on my hand, and about an hour later I thought my hand was going to fall off, though, it didn't hurt that much when I did it.
(Run. On. Sent. Ence.)
Jane saw my "future husband" (laugh track...now.) thought not well.
saw Sara. Miss her.
Went to the Antique mall, which was so disappointing. There was a copy of Highway 61 revisited by Bob Dylan at the booth where I bought my Beach Boys' records, for ten dollars. I held back.
I hope that it's there next time I go.

Then Jane had to go home.
I went to the play at Ryle with Fred; Alex and Brian were in it, and we know them. If you can believe it, we missed half of it. Haha, we were only 8 minutes late.
We sat outside talking about nothing for the first hour and a half. I told Fred about how I was so stupid and over filled the espresso pot (that I shouldn't have been making to begin with, we aren't supposed to brew espresso) and how the jude law guy (verizon guy, my future husband, all the same thing) was standing there when I realized what I had done.
--He probably thinks I'm the clumsiest barista ever; which may be true. But it seems like he's there when I mess things up a lot, like I'm in the process of messing them up, and he walks up after the fact. So it really has nothing to do with him.

The play was funny, though I had no clue what was going on til the ending. I think that Alex was probably the funniest part of the whole thing.
The princess in the play's name was Fred.

Afterwards we talked to Alex and Brian in the lobby; they were really happy that we came. So I'm pretty much glad we did, it ended up being a really fun night. When Brian turned around and saw Fred is voice went up about 5 octaves and he engulfed Fred in a hug; which was funny because Brian is about a foot taller than Fred, and he really swallowed him up. He didn't see me at first so he was just talking to Fred and then saw me out of the corner of him eye and freaked out some more and attacked me with this huge hug as well.
I like it when people are happy because they've seen you. I don't think there's really anything much better.

Um, yesterday sucked and I almost got fired from the stupid ass library.
Today is Friday; Alex, Fred and I are seeing a Beatles' tribute band at the main branch of the stupid ass library.

There's a part time youth services (ie-Children's) position open at Main; I have to look at the hours and days, and really think about what I want to do. If I want to move up to that, or if I want to quit and try and get a job somewhere else.
I am suddenly really out of money. Really.
And my hours are being cut more. This is not good.

this was a long entry. I thought it was well due.

"I like sundresses, and hanging out wit my freeeendz at the mallz."

"Lists of things that make them really happy."
Apart from the semi-elitist-critical-condescending tone of my blocked off digressions (that I wrote, that were ridiculously long and wordy and, well, stupid. So I erased them to be blocked off only in my mind) I like the idea of these lists. And I enjoy sundresses.

I like to be happy, I want nothing more than to be happy, and you have to understand, I suffer from chronic depression so being happy, things that make me happy, are extremely big deals.
What makes me happy, when it comes to little things? What causes uncontrollable smiles?
You know, probably recently, because I can't remember everything, but, yeah.
This is what:

The Beatles. Why I listen to Pop music.

The Albums Pet Sounds, Smiley Smile, and Wild Honey by the Beach Boys. If I am listening to Carl Wilson rip the words "Sweeter than Honey!" out of his chest, I cannot be sad. I cannot not dance. A little.

When we have Sinful Sundae as the flavor of the day, at work when I'm working; first I just like explaining it, and talking about it, because it has a fun name, and most people like chocolate and the sound of the name too. Also because I like to drink it, with vanilla soy milk.

When I realized that the senior guy who was cute when i was a freshman, and had a "crush", have you, on, goes to college with me, and I see him.

Cripsy Chicken Sandwiches with swiss, extra lettuce, mayo and honey mustard from Wendy's.

That time that Uri kept giving me "free shoulder massages" and hugs all night.

Talking about getting married and being grown up.

Antique malling.

Working at the coffee beanery, with awesome people.

Packages in the mail, postcards, ect. Even though, I can't return the favor very promptly.

Emails, personal ones, like letters. And "Penpals" and "Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo's"

Laying on the floor and listening to records, preferably with someone, though that rarely happens, it's absolutely wonderful when it does.

The sound of Rosie Thomas's voice, cutting through the thick summer air.

Well, I guess lots of things.

Email from a favorite teacher.

A few lines of flotsam and jetsam about, oh journalism, how interesting... blah blah.
Then it's signed MP.
Then, hahahahahahaha. it says (copy and pasted for accuracy):



"I cant hear or see Elvis Costello and not think of you"


Oh. Man. If you ever doubted the "I thought of you my whole way home..." story, here's proof of it's validity.

True romance, when you dance.

Chan Marshall. Today, I love you.

asdklfjasldkfj. You are Free is such a good album.