Famous People are people to. This concept is kinda eery.

I watch way too much television. I've taken it up as a hobby lately, and it's becoming a problem. I obsessively watch shows, and not just like one or two, I watch a lot of shows. And I didn't used to be that way. Not because I wanted to be cool by NOT watching TV just because I'm A.D.D, and it was a bothersome activity. I couldn't remember to watch shows when they were on, and the only way that I remembered to watch anything that I wanted to was the amazing invention that we know as "DVR" or, the better product that I wish we still had, everyday, over the fore mentions DVR: TiVo. That smiley little television logo really made my life easier, and I seriously became spoiled by it. I began to not want to watch TV if I didn't have the ability to press a button and watch that gosh darn hilarious cellular sales commercial (I've youtubed it, when I was bored 'cell phone commercials', it doesn't take much to make me laugh. Though, I'm picky, AT&T has lame commercials, but I digress) The idea that there wasn't a button on my grandmother's remote to go back and rewatch the commercial was baffling. I was (am) spoiled.

TV and I just weren't really connecting the way that TV connects with some people; I mean, we were casual, I liked shows here and there. TVland, BRAVO, the occasional VH1, but nothing too serious; casual encounters with I love the 80's, just enough to give me a little uncertain crush on Mo Rocca (Straight? Gay? Not sure. Funny? Cute in an awkward way? Certainly) and get me into Project Runway and Cosby kids. But like I said, nothing too committed, just a fling.

TV and I have taken the plunge, and he's beginning to think that I'm moving too fast, and that he's not ready for such a commitment. I never wanted a TV in my bedroom, but now I wish that we had the extra DVR reciever laying around, and I could hook that sucker up and get serious upstairs. I've began to purchase TV on DVD, and frequently watching it! I have all of the office, all of Flight of the Conchords, some A&E/BBC, and I keep buying it. The live feed and DVR selections just aren't enough for me. I watch at least four shows regularly. I've never done that before in my life. I can safely say that I've seen 90 percent of the Cosby show, 100% of Gilmore Girls (at least four times) and 100% the Office, 3 out of 4 seasons at least twice all the way through, with deleted scenes. TV is starting to wonder if I'm trying to play my cards right to get myself a ring! He said he's worried about me picking out new bedspreads and entertainment stands on my trips to IKEA, and he's just not ready for me to become a full fledged podcast listening, blog following, super television fan; can't we move slower? he says, he's not ready for that. And, when I step out of myself for a moment, I'm not sure that I am either.

Though, here's something interesting that my TV binge has taught me, and I have proof:

People on TV aren't really who they are on TV, they are real people, with real lives. And just (generally) a lot more money than me, and live in California.

But, they do have Myspaces, and Twittr accounts. These are things that make them eerily like me, when it comes to the internet. Except, they get more friend requests and they have legit IMDB pages.

One guy that I never really thought about, but now am absolutely fascinated by is a fellow by the name of John Cabrerra. Now, I never really paid attention to what his real name was, but I knew his face. I had a little bit of a crush on his face, and he was one of my favorite characters on one of my favorite shows, I really wanted to be friends with him. Brian Fuller, of course, who is the bassist in Hep Alien (safely on of the stupidest band names ever, but fictional. Linkin Park on the other hand...) which features Sebastian Bach only his name is Gil, and a a chick drummer. They play covers and have one of the most awkward cross section of members ever. But hey, they are merely a subplot on Gilmore Girls, which has been cancelled, so pretty much they're just a blip in syndicated heaven. But none the less, Brian was awkward and nerdy and cute, and I wanted to be his friend. Brian is not real. But, John Cabrerra is. And John Cabrerra messaged me on myspace today, and we talked about Ryan Adams. This blows my mind! People on TV do not message me on myspace, generally. Or, ever. In fact, getting an email from Matt Theissen in the eighth grade or getting a "autographed" photo of Orlando Bloom are the closest thing I have to an expirience like this. The Orlando Bloom thing is weird, and the Matt Theissen thing was that I emailed him first, and he was just responding...three and half months later.

Well, I did meet the lead singer of Anberlin randomly in a mall once. But that's a different story, semi popular pop punk rock whatever bands that may or may not be "Christian" bands don't count, I've met plenty of those types. But I've never had any sort of conversation (actual or virtual) with anyone off television.

And turns out, John Cabrerra is a lot like Brian Fuller, despite the having the same face and body part.

I mean, body and face part. I worded that awkwardly. I'll just let it go, it's kind of funny.

So, I kinda have met Brian Fuller. At least via a myspace conversation about Ryan Adams.

And that's pretty cool too.

I've rediscovered the wonders of internet radio.

All facets of it.
-Launch, which was the first love. The radio that made me so frustrated because it generally is stupid, but has introduced me to such gems as Sondre Lerche, Belle and Sebastian, Ryan Adams, Kings of Convenience, Mando Diao, Kimya Dawson and the Moldy Peaches, Okkervil River, Neutral Milk hotel...pretty much almost all of the bands that later have been my absolute favorites. And it's great, the whole way you can narrow your tastes and it gives you all these bands...it's wonderful.
-Last.Fm is great too. It does a similar thing as Launch, but it takes it one further. It goes INTO your itunes and it finds what you play the most and gives you music based on that. Or, it'll give you music based on similar artists. And, you can play it from you desktop. Neat.
And then, more conventionally...
-The fact that I can listen to any of the hundreds of This American Life episodes, whenever I want. Ira Glass at the click of a button.
-Wait Wait don't tell me.
-Norse Code, and how Fred has a radio show, and he talked about me on it, and my love of Ryan Adams.
-WOXY.com. Which is one of the coolest things about Cincinnati, that we used to have radio like this in the airwaves. But you can listen to it still online, and one of the DJs is one of people at my church who does the offering and announcements (the pastors son, who used to be my neighbor, crazy!) and they play good stuff.

Internet radio is good.

I need a job.

Real real real bad.

When your car smells like chicken.

Have you ever sat and thought about why you think about things? Like, how your thought processes flit from thing to thing and you find yourself contemplating things like how if Ira Glass is a morning person or more of a night owl? Like, where do I get things like that? Why am I thinking about the host/producer of a top rated PRI radio show in the first place and what does it matter? I was thinking about how I am a night person, and how I was on a roll last night and caught up on all the This American Life episodes that I've been neglecting on my ipod, since I have an ipod dock in my room and all. Then I was thinking about, I wonder if Ira Glass gets a lot of work done inthe morning or at night, I get nothing done in the morning, and I do everything I need (and do not need to do, as in update this and listen to This American Life) at night.
That's how my thought process went.
And that was an easy one.

Earlier today I was vacuuming out my car. Now, I could care less if my car was vacuumed or not, and in general I really despise the whole process of doing it. But my mother was adamant about me doing it and so I was today, and it had gotten rather dirty. Crumbs and broken leaves everywhere, for a moment as I was lying on my stomach vacuuming the edges underneath my seats I started to think about how my car smelled like chicken. That is a little unfortunate, that my car smelled like chicken, because chicken is not really a smell you want to linger. When you're hungry and in a restaurant or are preparing chicken of some sort, the aroma of chicken is a nice, pleasant sort of thing; but, when you ate chicken in your car about four days ago the smell of chicken isn't quite as welcoming, it's kind of disgusting. And a reminder that I eat way too much chicken.
As I was contemplating not eating in my car anymore (which, I won't do) I also got to thinking about this one time, last summer, when I was hanging out with Sara. It was a day we went to Newport, probably the last time I was at the levee, and Fred was drunk and wanted to hang out after we were done. I remember we got taco bell and ate it in the parking lot, and then called Fred a bunch of times, but he didn't answer because he was asleep. The car smelled like beans and processed taco meat. We hung out, I guess, for a little while. Fred was a grump, and Sara was with Jason, and we drove Jason home because he didn't want to walk. And complained a bunch about the car, and how it smelled like Taco Bell.

And so I started thinking about last summer, and how things were so different. Sara and Jason, working at wendy's. All the things that were different, before August. Before Andee happened (at all) and when we used to watch movies in Fred's basement with Sara and Jason. I think this also was in my head because we watched The Devil and Daniel Johnston last night, I had forgotten how good it was, and the last time we watched it was one of those times. I feel like things are so much more forced now, and I don't know why that is. Maybe I make Fred nervous because of how upset the whole Andee debacle made me, I don't know, but things are very different feeling. We don't hang out alone, almost ever, like we used to. Not that now is bad, because it isn't. Now is just fine, it's just weird that it's changed, but we aren't doing anything differently. I don't know what the change actually is, and I'm not unhappy with our friendship now, I'm really happy we're friends, that's all I mean. I just hate that there were times when we kinda weren't.

It's also weird, how different Sara is now. And it's good. She's in college, and it's weird to think that she ever dated someone like Jason, and just before that someone like Wes, who more or less fell off the face of the planet. It's weird. Because I can't say I'm any different. I have the same friends now that I did then, and nothing drastic happened to me.
But, it did, because it happened to them.

Thought Processes are weird.


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All my talk about Hans Brinker the other night, and I came across this amazing ad campaign for a hostelish motel in Amsterdam, and if I ever go to Amsterdam (as a fairly young, brave person) I'd like to stay there. just because they're ad campaign is hilariously brilliant.


Anyhow.
I have to go finish my CDs now.

Hans Brinker, Keira Knightly, Solitaire.

I am sitting at my computer.
I am listening to this really cute band called "Suburban White Kids With Biblical Names", they are scandinavian of some sort, scandinavian vocalists have very calming voices, and are generally blonde. I do not know what the members of this band look like, but I imagine it to be blonde, and skinny, and somewhat like Hans Brinker. Only hip, and trendy, with straw like blonde hair and waify eyes. And, like Hans Brinker. So it's cold. Ice skating is involved...
They're swedish, I've come to find out, not anything like Hans Brinker (mainly because Hans Brinker is a ficticious character from a book that I read when I was in the sixth grade, that I liked very much, he was dutch. He was trying to win a skating contest, I think, to win Silver Skates...I wikipedia this, I am close to correct.) I have been listening to a lot of music like this lately, I think because it's slightly intoxicating. I do not feel better when I listen to twee, I just feel like I'm in a dream. A whiney one, with soft guitars and blonde people. Stuart Murdoch and Isobel Campbell are there, hanging out with Erland Oye and Pelle Carlberg. Sondre Lerche called and said that he cannot make it to the party. We all listen to Pet Sounds and drink wine. It's probably snowing.

I have decided I want to start watching movies. This is a new thing for me. I do not generally watch movies. But I want to. It's a good way to spend at least an hour not thinking, and I am in desperate need of such form of distraction. Also, I've run out of episodes of the Office, and This American Life shows on my iPod. I have gone to the movies three times in three weeks, as well as watched two movies I'd never seen at home. I saw Nick and Norah's whatever twice (in theaters, my head may explode if I hear Michael Cera be pathetic another time), Persepolis (I liked it, I slept through the end. They were speaking french. I was tired. I'll finish it later), Funny Face (Audrey really was a doll, wasn't she?) and tonight, I went (with my mom, because she didn't like the idea of me going to the movies alone, which was good in the long run) to see the new movie with Keira Knightly (or, is it Knightley?) The Duchess.
It was very very good. But I'm always into a good period drama.

Tonight, I replayed the same game of Solitaire seven times (or for an hour, whichever sounds more dramatic) trying to win it. Normally I would've given up after it wasn't easy anymore. I wanted to perfect myself. I spent over an hour playing solitaire on my computer.
Fantastic.

There you have it.
I lead an exciting life.

I think I always had a crush on Hans Brinker, though, I don't know why. Possibly because he was dutch...his name was Hans...
I've always had a thing for blondes.

The thoughts that I have, all the time, every day.

I am afraid.
I am afraid all the time.
I am afraid all the time that you hate me.
I am afraid all the time that you hate me because I talk too much, because I think too hard, because I say the wrong the thing, becuase I'll never be pretty enough, because I try too hard to be your friend.
I am afraid that I will always be hated.
I cannot be happy with my friends because I am too paranoid.
I am too sensitive to nothing.
I come off a lot meaner than I am.
I talk too much and no one cares.
I hear what I am saying and it does not and never will matter; what I hear more, though, is the silence after I speak.
I should never speak again.
Why did you make this way, G-d?
Why are you letting this happen to me?
How can I measure up to what I live in?
I am not smart, and I am not pretty, and there is no other option.
All I ever hear is what a girl is wished to be, and I will never live up to it.
Which means I will never get married, which means I will never feel love, which means I will live alone, die alone.
I should get it over with, then.
I should just go to sleep and never wake up.
I should just never eat again,
I will get sick and I will get thin.
But I can't even do that.
I can't even self destruct.
I am incapable of finishing anything that I start.
The only person who knows how I think is my mother; she says there's demons in my head. There are demons in my head. No wonder everything I do is wrong. I have demons.
When I try, they find things wrong.
When I cry, I am weak. They yell.
Why do I keep trying?
What makes me happy I'll never have.
I'll never be happy.
These thoughts will just get worse and worse.
How can this be fixed? [repeat.]

I am completely sure that....

I've noticed that I write really stupidly, because I think it's funny. I think a lot of things are funny, but they really aren't. I think the new Microsoft commercials are funny, I think that Flight of the Conchords is funny, I think that Demetri Martin is funny. That's okay, all those things are, in fact, generally thought to be and truly are funny.
It is not funny to acknowledge what grammatical devices you are using in paretheses in the middle of a sentence; (semi-colon!) it's kind of weird, and I don't know why I started doing that. But I think it's funny, so! (interjection!!) I probably won't stop.
The ironic part is, my parentheses are kind of just dangling participles, anyway. (Dangling Participle!!!)

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...this entry is pointless.

Thank God.

Have you ever noticed how Facebook takes one of your interests and gives you ads that are something ridiculous and your interest blown out of proportion? ie:
"Bing Crosby Action Figures"


I hate thinking about things.
I hate it when I'm reminded of inadaqaucies.
I hate how nearly every guy I know is absolutely amazingly stuck up his own ass. (I'm not excluding females, just specifying at the moment.)
I hate Elvis Costello on Jenny Lewis's new record.
That's just not right.

I bought 7 CDs the past week.
I feel okay about that.