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Friday, March 6, 2009

Moments.

"Is it weird that I've only ever liked one boy? Like, should I be liking other boys now?"
I look myself up and down, and think "Of course."
You know, I'm jealous, even though I never really had it to begin with, and I certainly don't have it now, but I'm jealous. I want to be as far away as I can be, but impressing him none the less; then he will want what he ignored before. He'll want what he cannot have.
Though, if he asked I'd say yes in a minute; I'm strong enough to not let go and weak enough to cave at all the wrong things.
I want to delete him from my friends list on Facebook. But absolutely would never do that.
It would be different if he had a girlfriend, he doesn't, he hasn't, but he probably will once he realizes it. Even if I'm married by then I will be jealous.
I thought once this part was done, I'd like myself again; I don't. Again, hm, that is a funny word.
"Did I like myself to begin with?"
I feel very exposed, and I wish I wasn't. I feel surprised that people don't point and laugh. I am surprised that I would think people paid that much mind to me, it is very obvious that they do not.
I hate change, and that's why I'll be jealous, and that's why I'll be hurt. That's why I can't delete him from my friends list. I want to talk to him all the time, tell him the whole story, but I cannot and I will not.
"I'm sorry that I saw you today, and that I didn't say hi. I'm sorry that I scared hoping you'd say hi to me. I'm sorry that I never told you the truth, but you probably know it anyway, and think less of me as it is."
No one heard me.
"I'm sorry I didn't do what I said I was going to do."
I'm a little lonely right now. I'm glad you have Jesus to keep you warm.
I guess, I do too.