Christmastime is here....dum dum dum and cheer...

Today was my Christmas shopping day; yes, I do realize that Christmas is about 5 days away, yes, it is a little late.But, come on, I work three jobs. Give me a break, eh? I've been busy making the money for Christmas.Today was my day to not work ANYWHERE and go out and at least finish my family's presents. And I have, and I spent at least fifty dollars on everyone. At Least. And you know? I'm so happy about it.I think that buying presents with money that I worked hard for for people that I love is so cool. It's never been so real to me, as this Christmas; and I think everyone is going to love their presents.(Especially my sister, or at least, she better, I spent 30 bucks on a stupid shirt! that she really wanted... :))

Anyway. That was my night. It took me three hours (technically, like 4 and a half, but the hour and a half I spent wondering about the antique mall eventually only buying $34.98 worth of records, three, for myself.) which means I'm a pretty speedy shopper. But, everyone's gift is great, and I think even my brother will really like his.

And I wrapped everything really pretty. I like Christmas, I like Christmas a lot. Though, my mom doesn't, so sometimes I feel like my love for the holiday is kind of being cheesy and a fake; buying into something that is kind of dumb, and you shouldn't because it really isn't that big of a deal. But, I can't help it. I like it.I also, like most people, like my birthday celebrated. But all my life my mom feels more need to remind me that it was my dad's birthday first so not to get selfish because it's not just my day (which sometimes feels stupid, you know? I understand, but your birthday IS supposed to be just your day) and thinks that it's completely acceptable to give me a candy bar and some other cheapy stuff she found at CVS (like hair barrets or something you'd pick up at the grocery, one of those cheap DVDs with random cartoons on it that you see next to the tabloids at the check out) stick a candle in a swiss roll (that we can only have one each of, come on they're John Michael's lunch!) and call it a night. Welcome to being a grown up when it doesn't really matter anymore, she says.

Except, in my case, it's been a grown up world since I was about 10. I mean, there were a few brithdays when (through coaxing of my friends or myself) she made a bigger deal, had a party or something, but that's only been twice. It's not like I'm bitter, but sometimes I wish that things like Christmas or Birthdays were full of fond memories. Which, I'm not saying they aren't, but we don't have tradtitions or christmassy memories. Because it's just like every other day; just nothing's open, you give each other presents, we have to put up a stupid tree (like a week before) and we'll spend the whole day at my grandma's (who lives 5 minutes away, so that's weird for us) cleaning her house so our 2nd and 3rd cousins can come and eat this big dinner we all made. That's my mom's theory on the whole thing, we do it because we have to. And she'll be the first to tell me that.I never believed in Santa partially based on this theory.

I guess what I'm saying is: my mom is nice, but she doesn't care about Christmas too much, and I want to.

I want to make a big deal, and big dinner and decorate when I grow up. I want to have traditions with my family, I want to buy the family dog a present for a laugh not because it's so stupid but Hope'll be mad if we don't.One day, when I'm grown up, my mom'll like Christmas, because she'll be older and it won't be so much work. I'll make sure of that. I'll make sure that she learns to appreciate Christmas, even if it's a drag and so commercial.But until then, I'll just have to make the most of it, but putting more thought into everyone's gifts then I'm sure they've put in mine, and listening to Christmas music in my car, make the most of my mom kind of hating Christmassy things and the lack of Christmas-ness in our half decorated house.
My mom is always happy on Christmas though, so she has to admit, it ain't too bad.

-----Anyhow.I'm pretty excited that I got records today. One of which is my ABSOLUTE favorite Elvis Costello Album: This Year's Model; the man made some good stuff in the seventies. I also got: "A Beach Boy Party"!
Which is always a good time.

Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown.

All the things I should say, on a regular basis, and don't. Ie: my feelings.

Since the very first day of my high school career (well, possibly the second or third, my first day innocence probably gave me a brighter outlook on high school, but it didn't last long) I decided I was going to hate it, it was going to be the worst years of my young life, and it was going to be terrible. I have this tendency to think that if I ACT like I assume the worst, things won't be bad and I'll be "pleasantly surprised" and everything would be okay.

I won't say that high school was "terrible" completely. I didn't like it, I don't think it was a highlight of my life as of yet, but I wasn't unhappy all the time. I liked band sometimes, and I liked some of my classes a lot. I have a very few good friends that I made there, I had some laughs; Crazy days - good times you know what I mean. But none of the things that would be make it "okay" really existed. I didn't have a group of friends to sit with at lunch, I didn't go to junior or senior prom (I did go to prom one time though, but it didn't really count, becuase I just assumed I'd get to go again.) I didn't have a boyfriend. All these things I just assumed would happen, even if I was very firmly against something (ie-a boyfriend) I assumed things would fall into place. And then they didn't and I can't take it (not just the example above, lots of things, don't get me wrong) I don't understand it at all, I don't get why things didn't fall into place for me. And I guess, I shouldn't be worried about it. Because maybe it's just not the time yet. But I am worried, and I'm nervous, and I'm sad about it.

Let me clerify things a little though; I didn't let myself like anyone (and probably in turn, like me) in high school. I don't think I'm very attractive in the eyes of anyone, let alone the very very picky opposite sex (that was a generalization I don't necessarily agree with, but for the sake of what I'm saying, yeah) so I wouldn't want anyone ever to know that there was a possiblity of me having a crush on them. I had this idea in my head that there would be nothing but conversations behind my back like "Hannah? Really? I'm sorry, she's so pathetic." or "I could do so much better than her."

(In fact to briefly interrupt myself, I hate that a lot when people make a statement as such: "Did you see who Johnny Mark was dating? Yeah, Susie Cunningham. She's not even that pretty, he could do soooo much better." What if Johnny really liked Susie?! What if Johnny thought she was pretty, what if Johnny's aesthetic was slightly different that yours, or even the "norm"? And what is better, WHO is better, what does that mean? It just ripped at my heart. I feel that this was most likely because whoever I heard say this was talking about someone who I thought was profoundly more attractive than me, so if they weren't good enough for someone who's left for me? It feels kind of hopeless. You know? But, like always, I digress.)

I didn't want those things to happen, I thought it was a sure thing that they would. So if I totally eliminated the cause they couldn't happen, right? Wrong, and who knew they'd happen. You know what happens when you assume?* It was a stupid idea. Now I'm older and smarter, and a little more willing to try. But that doesn't mean that I'm succeeding because I'm not. When I was in high school I just blamed my lack of things on the fact that I'm a control freak and can't let things get too crazy. All in all, it caused me to kind of hate myself. I don't think like that anymore, I know the negative results of my actions, and still things aren't working out. And that's what's bugging me.

to be continued.