All the things I should say, on a regular basis, and don't. Ie: my feelings.

Since the very first day of my high school career (well, possibly the second or third, my first day innocence probably gave me a brighter outlook on high school, but it didn't last long) I decided I was going to hate it, it was going to be the worst years of my young life, and it was going to be terrible. I have this tendency to think that if I ACT like I assume the worst, things won't be bad and I'll be "pleasantly surprised" and everything would be okay.

I won't say that high school was "terrible" completely. I didn't like it, I don't think it was a highlight of my life as of yet, but I wasn't unhappy all the time. I liked band sometimes, and I liked some of my classes a lot. I have a very few good friends that I made there, I had some laughs; Crazy days - good times you know what I mean. But none of the things that would be make it "okay" really existed. I didn't have a group of friends to sit with at lunch, I didn't go to junior or senior prom (I did go to prom one time though, but it didn't really count, becuase I just assumed I'd get to go again.) I didn't have a boyfriend. All these things I just assumed would happen, even if I was very firmly against something (ie-a boyfriend) I assumed things would fall into place. And then they didn't and I can't take it (not just the example above, lots of things, don't get me wrong) I don't understand it at all, I don't get why things didn't fall into place for me. And I guess, I shouldn't be worried about it. Because maybe it's just not the time yet. But I am worried, and I'm nervous, and I'm sad about it.

Let me clerify things a little though; I didn't let myself like anyone (and probably in turn, like me) in high school. I don't think I'm very attractive in the eyes of anyone, let alone the very very picky opposite sex (that was a generalization I don't necessarily agree with, but for the sake of what I'm saying, yeah) so I wouldn't want anyone ever to know that there was a possiblity of me having a crush on them. I had this idea in my head that there would be nothing but conversations behind my back like "Hannah? Really? I'm sorry, she's so pathetic." or "I could do so much better than her."

(In fact to briefly interrupt myself, I hate that a lot when people make a statement as such: "Did you see who Johnny Mark was dating? Yeah, Susie Cunningham. She's not even that pretty, he could do soooo much better." What if Johnny really liked Susie?! What if Johnny thought she was pretty, what if Johnny's aesthetic was slightly different that yours, or even the "norm"? And what is better, WHO is better, what does that mean? It just ripped at my heart. I feel that this was most likely because whoever I heard say this was talking about someone who I thought was profoundly more attractive than me, so if they weren't good enough for someone who's left for me? It feels kind of hopeless. You know? But, like always, I digress.)

I didn't want those things to happen, I thought it was a sure thing that they would. So if I totally eliminated the cause they couldn't happen, right? Wrong, and who knew they'd happen. You know what happens when you assume?* It was a stupid idea. Now I'm older and smarter, and a little more willing to try. But that doesn't mean that I'm succeeding because I'm not. When I was in high school I just blamed my lack of things on the fact that I'm a control freak and can't let things get too crazy. All in all, it caused me to kind of hate myself. I don't think like that anymore, I know the negative results of my actions, and still things aren't working out. And that's what's bugging me.

to be continued.