"You aren't crazy Hannah, you're pretty." -Earl Young

I spend, roughly, 10 hours a week at school; I spend, roughly, 40 hours a week at the mall.
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I've been thinking a lot lately about the future; not that I don't think about the future a lot, and fairly often, I do, it's just a different kind of thinking right now.
Two years ago I thought I knew exactly what I was doing with my life: I was going to go to Master's Commission, I was going to become a Youth Pastor; in the grand scheme of things the first year I'd spend getting close to G-d, memorizing bible verses, performing in dramas, not thinking about the future, not realizing anyone around me, just G-d, I wouldn't have noticed the cute (probably blonde, probably thin, --remember this was the "plan"/fantasy-- probably wore a lot of vintage t-shirts, probably cried when he talked about prophetic dreams he had at age 14) boy who had undoubtably fallen for me and my artsy brand of G-d-loving. We'd date the second year, we'd get married, we wouldn't love anyone else. This situation (minus, you know, specifics) seemed literally inevitable. I'd have to give up listening to The Beatles and Ryan Adams and The Beach Boys and learn to love the Newsboys' newest worship album because secular music wasn't allowed and I wouldn't really fall in love, I'd fall in contentment, I'd do what I said I was going to do in the eighth grade.
This was going to suck.
Then, a year later I thought I had no idea what I was doing. I went to Northern and I didn't really want to, but knowing me, I settled. I screwed up by second semester and I got right back in the same situation I was in during high school (emotionally speaking). I hadn't made friends (hardly), I hated two thirds of my jobs (yes, two thirds.)

Now I am level. I don't know what I am doing and I hate it. I know, I'm nearly twenty, in the grand scheme of life (I noticed that is the second instance in which I've used the phrase "in the grande scheme of..." it's like when I used "More of less." at the end of every sentence (more of less) last year. I'm aware of over using it, but I can't come up with a better phrase (or, ha, word for "phrase") I'm ridiculous.) that is not a lot of time. I was GOING to be a journalist, but that seemed unreasonable, I am APPARENTLY going to be a teacher. Newsflash: I hate school. Why would I want to do that? I don't get myself at all. But! That's not what I was talking about, in my initial train of thought.
("INTERJECTION! SHOWS EXCITEMENT! OR EMOTION! & are generally set apart from a sentence by an exclaimation point! or, a period, when the feeling's not as strong!")
I was talking about the future. And how I think about it too much, I don't notice it happening.

I hate to be old fashioned, but my future ideas hardly have to do with my career. I just want to be happy, and I just want to love. I used to think that being really smart would get me anywhere I wanted in life, it would get me intelligent friends, job, hobbies, ect; which it would, yes, but I don't think it would make me happy. I love knowledge: I love to read and write and think and learn, but I love to serve more. I love to love more. Those are the things that make me happy. I live my life terrified most of the time, but when I'm working at the beanery and making people smile if the only time I'm not scared of anything, or when I'm helping someone do something at school, or anywhere--I'm more confident than ever. And that's really weird for me.

My future is a blur. I think too hard.
All I know is I want three things:
I want to love G-d more than anything in the world; I want to just love love love.
And I want to get married to someone who has a killer record collection.