ON NO IT'S LIKE A WEEK INTO DECEMBER

I pretty much have 19 days til Christmas (and so do you.)
I have to not only come up with money to buy things for my family.  I also have to come up with things that I want. UGH.
I love Christmas, and I like getting presents, and I really love getting them.
But I had a lot of money last year.  I have no money this year. None.
I also hate coming up with specific things for Christmas.  I never can come up with things to tell my mom.

Yeah, I'm posting here, what of it.

Sometimes, sometimes I miss home a lot.  Sometimes all I can think about is how, if I were at home at least I would have someone to go to Wal-Mart with at midnight, on a Wednesday, because I was bored.  And I think back to a year ago, how I ran the Beanery hardcore on Monday and Wednesdays, banked on tips, my entire work life revolved around when the cute Verizon guy was there, and what hilarious Earl stories I could tell people.  It seems pretty sweet, you know?  Like, it was a 'coosh' job; all I did was make coffee, which I generally enjoy doing, and listen to whatever the heck music I felt like listening to; I got there pretty when I wanted to (within a half hour of when I was supposed to) and didn't have to worry about clocking in, because I always wrote down 8:30 or before.  I got to wear what I wanted, go on break when I wanted, do whatever.  It was good.  I had friends I hung out with regularly, I didn't do anything exciting, but it seemed like something.
Sometimes I just think about all the great things about a year ago, and I'm like "whoa, life was swell, wasn't it?"

But then, I'm like, whoa. No. Wait a minute.
Last year I was on anti-depressants, that caused me to gain weight that I haven't been able to lose a year later.  I was miserable most of the time when I was working, because I would dwell on how gross I felt like I looked; or contemplating how my medicine made me feel emotionless or that my friends must be plotting the unavoidable process of ditching me.  It was awful.  I had just quit school without telling anyone.  And as mad as I was at myself for it.  As much as I wanted almost kill myself over it (not totally, but I thought about it, car accident) most people just got mad at me over it, that I didn't tell them, like it would've been easy, and how they could've helped me.  Which was lame, they weren't helping me, they should've tried before they knew about the school thing; the school thing was a bi-product of a bigger problem.  I have had a hard time forgiving from that time, I think.  Last year I was trying so desperately to put on a happy face, and usually could when I was around people, which kind of put my deeper into the place I was in.  It was an issue that I didn't know how to resolve.
So, I guess, so what that I made bank on tips from cell phone guys who wouldn't look twice at me if I wasn't making their coffee.  So what.  I was depressed in a way that I can barely even comprehend anymore (not that I'm "better" or "cured", but improved to the point where that time seems so scary and unknown.)  Why would I want to be back then? I don't.  I don't.

I'm not writing this to mope.  I'm writing this about the future.

Right now, life isn't easy.  Sometimes I'm amazed at how lonely I get, how long I've been here, how comfortable I feel in Kansas City and yet I know almost no one.  I don't have any friends from school, none, not a one.  I have friends in my roommates, and I have been very blessed to live in this house, but I'll be moving out the first of the year.  It seems weird, because I'm waiting to start a new life, but I'm just living in another city; it's not actually a new life.
And. that's. okay.
Since I've been in Kansas City, I've been exposed to people who love the Lord with such ferocity and passion; I've never experienced that before in such a vivid way.  I've know adults who I've considered so devout, but rarely my peers, rarely young people.  But that's all I see, people my age who are not caught up in intellectual humanism, who are not idiots either; intelligent, hip, twenty-somethings, college kids who have decided to take this part of their life to be passionate about the Lord.  I have always had a hard time with being in an environment where individualism ruled; where loving God was a hobby and to a lot of "open minded people" a sign of weakness and offensive.  I didn't get it.  I didn't understand why it was okay to hate things in the name of equality.
I don't want to preach at people, I don't really even want to evangelize.  I don't want to stop listening to rap music, or reading Chuck Klosterman, or listening to NPR.  I don't even want to tell you that you're wrong.  I just want to say, I'm kind of happy that I found my niche.
I don't know, it's just really cool to me to find joy in loving God.  I have such a hard time finding joy.
I don't want to talk to you about abortion, or gay rights, or evolution, or any other hot button topic.  I don't necessarily agree with FOXnews, and I am pretty sure there is something wrong with Joel Osteen, and Pat Robinson really needs to be careful with what he says.  I don't really like Christian music, most of what comes out of it is just as manufactured as anything anywhere else.
But, what I do want to tell you is, even though I'm kind of living the same life as I was a year ago, a year ago I didn't know that God loved me with the intensity that He does.  I didn't know what it felt like to find Joy in the Lord.  I didn't know what it meant to be on your face praying for four hours a day and feel anything.
and now I do.

And, sometimes, I wish that I knew what I know now a year ago.  And that I was making bank on tips.

I never update.  Sorry.

A good hair day.

I am in Kentucky this week, and I am just missing Kansas City.  It's a weird feeling.
It's not like I'm not very happy to be home, it's nice to see people, it's nice to be in familiar places, it's nice to sleep on a futon on the floor, it's nice to see my grandma and my dog.  I just realize not being there, I love Kansas City.  I love the freedom I have there, I love slowly becoming a part of the community of IHOP, and I'm anxious for the internship so that I can become part of the community truly.  I am anxious to get back home and go the student awakening meetings and to be within two minutes of the Global Prayer Room.  I realize that is where I want to be, IHOP, that's where I'm meant to be.  At least in this season.  And that feels pretty good.

It's cool Florence has a Chik-fli-a now though.

Things I've been thinking about

-crayons
-mac & cheese
-diet coke
-leaf piles
-drawings
-prolonged eye contact
-sweaters
-not needing to wear a sweater
-serious talks
-encountering the spirit
-dancing
-thinking about before
-Fire In the Night
-playing with the dog
-getting over it
-graphic design
-relevant podcast in my car
-beards
-wanting new shoes

Hm.

Today was really weird.  I don't know why, but it was really weird.
I got up really early, because I woke up and couldn't get back to sleep.  After trying to read my bible, and trying to pray, and trying to relax and fall back asleep, I finally got up and went to the prayer room after renae was gone to work.  Then after being the prayer room for a few hours I went back home (because I was finally feeling tired again) I got back in my pajamas (it was around 10) and I fell asleep pretty much immediately.  Being that it is GBF I'm not really worried about it.  But, while I was asleep, I just kept having bad dream after bad dream, after bad dream.  I'd wake myself up out of one, just to fall asleep into another one.  It was weird.
Some of the dreams were like dark scary nightmares, and other ones were my typical bad dreams, the ones where everyone that I know decides to hate me, yell at me, rip me apart publicly.  Terrible dreams.  One of the dreams I dreamt that my Grandma Joanie died all over again, most of the events of the day were as they were in real life (you know, however long ago that was) except instead of me being at Festival like I was in real life, I was around for everything.  And instead of my grandma being in the hospital, she was at my house (which is where she lived at the time.)  It was miserable.
Another dream I was being kicked out of my house because my roommates decided they didn't like me anymore, which was a more ridiculous dream, but so real and terrible feeling.
Ugh.
I slept til two or something.
Then I woke up and it was super grey and gross out.  And I hate days like that.  I don't have a lot of gas, so I didn't feel like leaving (because there is really no where to go) so I listened to old relevant podcasts, and ate a salad and it wasn't very good.  Then I pretty much laid around, feeling weird and grumpy.
And now I've watched Gilmore Girls and Pushing Daisies and ate noodles and still feel weird.  I should probably go to bed early.  I don't know if I will.  But I should.

I hate when Torie and David are all whispery, it makes me uncomfortable.

Don't you hate that feeling of KNOWING that someone is looking at you.

I do.

Even if it’s a super adorable boy.

So, I had to fill out a bunch of papers for Fire in the Night, and take them to this office and that office blah blah blah.  And IHOP is so uber-unorganized it’s silly! But yeah, so I had filled out one paper that needed to go to the registrar, and I took it there, and the lady (who is not the registrar, but just a TA) was like “Oh, Steven Venable has to sign off on this first.  He’s teaching the class that’s going on right now, you should try to find him first.” So I went back down the stairs (and I have to explain that this was in the main auditorium of FSM…which is a church more or less, and it has a big stage and chairs, and then along the back wall are sort of big steps/bleacher type things, and up those are offices, including the one I was going to. So I had walked up beachers, where people were sitting, so in the middle of them, because their class was just starting.)
But by the time I got down the stairs again (and they’re big wide seats, so it’s not like it’s easy to walk up and down them) Steven was on stage starting class (a class of like 150 people) so I couldn’t really talk to him.  SO then I walked ALL THE WAY BACK UP THE BLEACHERS, again, and the lady was like “Oh, well, you could probably get mary beth to sign off, and then I’ll give it to Steven.”
So I had to go BACK to the downstairs offices to find Mary Beth (who I was JUST meeting with…) and have her ok the paper, and THEN GO BACK UP THE STUPID bleachers.
That stupid story is to say I awkwardly climbed up & down the bleachers three times, and had to squeeze by people who were sitting there having class, and I noticed the whole time I was doing this the cute boy who wears cardigans all the time from the GPR is sitting at the top of the bleachers and has been really obviously watching me scurry back and forth with my papers.
And I didn’t want to be a creep and stare back.
But I could feel it.  And I saw him doing it too.  He wasn’t even being subtle about the staring.

Ugh.

that was a dumb story.  I don’t know why I told you.

Moleskin 1, June 2007-July 2008

I keep real journals, in real notebooks, where I keep all my day to day (mostly) thoughts and goings ons.
Then, I have moleskin journals; I carry them around with me all the time, wherever I am, work, church, ect.  I used them for all sorts of things.  Sometimes I take notes at church or school, or I just write single lines, lists, or paragraphs of whatever is on my mind at the time.  Usually of no consequence.
But, the moleskins are the most interesting.
Here's a few selections from old moleskins that are actually closer to telling about me than my regular organized journals.

"(stop being an ass.)"
- first page of my moleskin that I kept from june 2007 through july 2008, the following quotes are from that journal.
 (it used to take me a long time to fill one up.)

"You're so shallow.  I know you know it.  But, sometimes I wish you could see it from my point of view (three lines of scribbled out words) you know I feel like shit too."

"Feeling loads better.  Need to keep this up.  Not the choppy sentences, lacking defined subjects, but the feeling better.  Need to stay focused.  Really truly."

"I hate losing faith in people."

"there is an asian boy sitting next to me at school; he is listening to Percy Grainger on his laptop, rather loudly."

"I didn't want to say anything, but I thought you two should date.  You're cuter, and saner, I just think something is wrong with him...Now I know there is." (a quote I wrote down, aimed towards me, by Sara Ailshire. Summer 07)

"I need to explain, I want to.  But I can't."

"I love that I absolutely forget what I'm talking about in here all the time."

"sometimes you're so... like you might love me.  other times, most times, real life times, you don't.  and that's okay, I promise.  But, stop, stop doing those things, just be honest.  Come on now, you've been killing me for years."

"I should've moved to Kansas City when I had the chance. Damn."

"This entire journal is just forgets, and love notes...to people who aren't aware of my existence."

"STAMP OF APPROVAL!"

"I freaking love Ryan Adams so freaking much. Argh."

"All over print hoodies hurt my eyes with their ugliness."

"I have never been so attracted to someone in my ENTIRE LIFE.  That's gross." (don't read into that one too much, ha ha.)

"black sweater, black sweater, black sweater, black sweater....ahhhhhhhhhhhh. wear it everyday."

"Fred said "...You always look thin."  Fred is full of shit.  I told him so."

"Screw it, I give up, why pretend anymore....I REALLY LIKE VAMPIRE WEEKEND."

"Okay, I see how it is.  Don't talk to me anymore.  Fine.  I know you love me though.  Kyle get out of here, you asshole, you're ruining my chances at happiness." (ha ha ha ha...)

"one time, there was a ceramic taco on the floor of the band room; then sara broke it.  reguardless, it was strange."

"my eye has been twitching for a freaking week.  this blows."

"I think that Gorgey Matt is a proper princess, good for ...him."

"I bought some running shoes, and I am a freaking jerk."

"Boris is my russian friend.  He is the best russian friend I've ever had."

"Pet sounds...is so good."

"STUPID ASS WENDY'S FULL OF CRAP AND OTHER BAD WORDS."

"Blake Sennet was Jenny Lewis's first boyfriend; I thought this was important to know."

"Why am I an asshole?"

"Mr. Dude, let's run away together.  Don't tell Matt.  It's all a dream."

"I love love love love love you Will Sheff.  You're awesome."

"Plan for semester one of college: Buy an ipod."

"NO! STOP! COME HERE! I'M SO BORED!!!!!!!!!!!"

"I kind of want to jump your bones, this is wrong, forget I ever said it."

"There are only 410 movies I need to see before I die...according to that book."

"I miss Uri."

"Lust is bad, don't do it."

"And all I want is an ipod...and a boyfriend."

"jkjkjkjkjkjkjk....obviously!"

"I wonder how well they can see me...oops."

"Matt Hales is beautiful.  I love Aqualung.  Simon Woods gay.  How stupid."

"Chan Marshall is running for president? huh?"

"YOU MAKE ME SO MAD WHY WON'T YOU LISTEN?"

"Verizon guy's name is NOT Michael Roberts, kthnx kt."

"Mickey is such a freaking idiot.  So is Dave... Why do I work with the hugest idiots EVER?"

"Contrary to my own belief even, I don't actually want him to get hurt.  Though, I do believe he deserves it.  I care immensely for his well being, or lack there of.  And I think somewhere deep down he would say the same thing for me.  Though, probably not so eloquently."

"Someone please punch me in the face."

"I wish you weren't so stupid all the time...Fred."

"Will Sheff, let's get married and make kind of asiany looking babies.  It'll be cool."

"Can I borrow your Kroger plus card?... or maybe just your phone number will work too?--greatest pick up line anyone has ever used on me.  I let him use the card."

"Don't eavesdrop on me, Verizon guy...I mean, wait, no go right on ahead."

"OH WELL. OH WELL. OH. WELL."

"I'll be better when I wake up in the morning."

"Stephen? For the love of God, I hope that's not it."

"AHA. CHRIS."

"you should've been on a date with ME, not that girl with the really ugly hair.  I am SO much cuter. AND I like good music, books, films, ect, and I love Jesus.  I am WAY more interesting, I BET.  Damnit."

"I hate tuesdays and thursdays...with...ev...ery....FI...BERRR....OF MY BEING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Every. Single. One. Every Fiber. Every Tuesday.  Everything Thursday.  Every one."

"JIMMY BRAAAADY." (? ha ha.)

"Jimmy Brady looks like Pygar from Barbarella.  Ha ha ha ha."

"Come get yo' cooooffeee. At the beanery! Our coffee only partially sucks!!"

"I love pens."

"AT&T guys are super skanks."

"I hope you get cancer or herpes....no I don't."

"Today I hate mall walkers.  Today is everyday."

"Matt Slocum looked exactly how I imagined he would look, and I was like 'Whoa, how did I know that? He doesn't look like he does in pictures?' I kind of thought I was prophetic or something.  And then I remembered, freaking duh, I met Matt Slocum last year, so clearly I've seen him before."

"Minus the Bear??? Ohhhhhh DANNNNNNG."

"What do the Cincinnati Bell dudes have stuck up their...don't answer that."

"He drives a SAAB? Dear Lord Father God is Heaven."

"Well, go me.  I look cute in boots."

"Jeff from AT&T takes picture of kids on leashes and his phone is full of said pictures, he thinks it's funny.  He just told me this."

"I love beards, I love the idea of something to hold on to. - Jane...that doesn't even make sense, but I agree."

"I chew ice."

"I HATE THE LIBRARY AND EVERYTHING IT STANDS FOR, INCLUDING LITERACY."

"I love watching Jimmy and G-rod check out girls, it cracks me up how big of douches they are."

"Babies. Babies. Babies?"

"I hate you most of the time, I don't understand you ever.  This is the end of the book."

So, I was pathetic at first...And then I started working at the beanery.

I'm pretending I'm not in Kansas City.

It's hard sometimes, not to be home.  Like today.  I don't know why, but I don't want to do anything, but it would be nice to at least do nothing in Florence.  That sounds silly, but my mom, my grandma, my dog, my starbucks, my library (bleh, but still), my mall, my friends are there.  They are.  And that's nice.
Because here I am in Kansas City, and I don't even have anyone to talk to really.
I mean, of course my roommates are here, but they don't talk like me, and if we aren't doing something there's not a lot to talk about.  I want to talk to someone about nothing, or about somethings.  I'm feeling down and I just need to talk.
I don't know what about (or, I do...) but I don't want to cry.
And I don't want to sound silly.
I just want to talk.

I haven't been sleeping well. That is, until I fall asleep in the middle of the day for ten hours after I haven't been able to sleep four nights in a row (that happened yesterday and the day before.  I slept enough for the whole week that I had barely slept.)

I was reading my old xanga today, and I decided I would try to write here all the time, like I said I would.
Even if I don't have anything to say.
so there you go, because I really don't have anything to say.

I got so much to give, you gotta release me...

So, I realized that I've moved away from home.  I'm buying my own groceries.  I'm sick and I'm nursing myself... to more sickness... but that's besides the point.  The point is, I am kind of growing up.  I'm realizing there's nothing wrong with moving on, that there's some validity in living not where you grew up.  Not everyone is my parents, I'm not my parents.  And I guess I just thought I should be.  Now, I'm not saying I'm never going to live there again, in Florence, or even in Cincinnati, I'm just saying, I don't have to.  And for the first time in my life that's okay.  I'm starting to realize that I can do what I want to do, not what I think I should do (which, is to say, I need to do the right thing, but I don't necessarily have to not do something because it's too hard.  Or I'm too scared.)
I'm done being scared, and I'm ready to be myself... How corny am I. Seriously. Seriously.  I'm super corny.
But that's not the point I'm trying to make.  I'm trying to say, there's nothing wrong with wanting something.
There's nothing wrong with wanting to spend this season of my life in Kansas City, praying, and pressing in to God.
And there's nothing wrong with wanting to start a music zine and go to shows, and write about it.  (heck, in the age of blogs?)
And there's nothing wrong with wanting to get married.
And there's nothing wrong with being scared, as long as it doesn't give you anxiety attacks and prevent you from functioning and puts you on medication.
I'm getting over it.

btw, been sick, think about me when you pray.  or, better, pray for me.  I need to get out of this funk.

Pomegranates.

It's raining outside and it is cold.  I am sitting in my living room, in the empty house, thinking about being at home and Christmastime.  Not seriously though, just in passing.
Things have been okay this past week.  My mind is occupied on crushes on boys and the future and going home for thanksgiving; mostly though, on how good God is, and how happy I am about that.
My lovely (lovely is a proper descriptor, they have different forms of British accents, lovely is a proper British word) small group leaders, Wes and Carol Hall blessed me this week with a coat! A coat! Which is the greatest because it is so cold.
It's not super flattering, but it is very warm and not hideous.
It was the greatest.

Um.  I lost my train of thought.
I got a coat.
ENTRY FIN.

asdfasdfasdgadfhj

Sometimes I wish that people who just go away.  I love 'um, I really do.  But sometimes I just get so sick of people, and I just wanna hang out with Jesus.

Today was a good day.
But, I just feel worn out by things.
It's hard to know what to do sometimes.

Talk to you all soon.

the comeback!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (aka-I hope you can read past the parentheticals phrases that are a little overpowering).

I am usually not a lover of the many explanation points (three is always more than enough,) but I am using that tactic this morning to illustrate the fact that I'm drinking so much coffee, and I'm awake and ready to go (where, I don't know, because I don't even have class this morning) at six am.

You might be wondering, if you know me at all, why am I up at six am? Or, ready BY six am, therefore up BEFORE six am.  Well, that is a totally good and valid question; the answer is, I'm not sure if I slept at all.  I mean, my eyes were closed for awhile, but I don't know if I would call it sleep.  My mind was awake, but not in a dreamy way.  So I'm just going to say I've been up for like...Eh, I don't know, not twenty fours...maybe, like twentyish hours? 19? 17 at the least.  Don't remember when I really woke up yesterday (which feels like today when there isn't anything to separate the days. Anyway, there I go making two sentences' worth of thought into twenty.

How's everyone?

I'm well.  Good, even.  It's GBF (global bridegroom fast--though, I doubt that helps anyone too much,) week here at good ol' not pancakes IHOP (you get that right? so I don't have to clarify anymore?) so no classes this week.  Just extra prayer room hours and an extra paper or two to write.  But no classes is nice, on any other day than today, I would mention the not having to get up so early, but I am up way earlier than ever getting up early would be today.  But, being GBF things are busier in their less busyness.  It's weird like that.

And in case anyone was wondering, I am not fasting.  I am currently eating toast.

Hm.  What things do I have to tell you?  Well, today, I am going to talk to Renae's boss at the daycare where she works about a once a week job.  It wouldn't be a lot of money, or a lot of hours, but anything helps.  I would be a preschool teacher, of sorts.  Which sounds fun, honestly, I think that kids that age are the cutest. 

I have also been thinking very hard (and praying, heh heh) the past weekish or so about instead of going back to FSM next year (or, even semester, I don't know how that works really,) but to do the Fire in the Night internship.  It's a little bit more money, but I wouldn't have to pay rent, because my housing would be included.  So I'm not sure.  I have to pray more about it.

But, I'm having a hard time really getting into things here, because I don't have to be.  I have to go to class, and have to go to the prayer room, but those are really individualistic things.  I don't have to be friends with anyone, I don't have to develop a community with them if I don't want to.  And, surprise-surprise, I have a really really hard time with things like that.  I get nervous, and talk myself out of even trying to be friends with people, based on my own insecurities.  So, if I'm not in a situation in which I have to be social, I will not be social; but I'll suffer from it, terribly.  It's not a good thing.  Being part of an internship would put me in the situation in which I would be forced to participate, get to know the girls I'd live with, etcetera.  I don't know, the more I think about it, the more it sounds like the best choice...  But you know, I'm not sure yet.  I need to talk with my parents and so on.  Pray for me though.

Um, I don't really have much else to say (but oh, I do, I just am not going to.)
I hope that you all are enjoying this morning, I know I am. :)

"You can't see the truth in a house of lies"

Sometimes really great lines come from people who amidst their personal lives you wouldn't necessarily excpect profound things...Like Ryan Adams.

Today has been the worst day since I've moved here, and nothing truly traumatic happened.  It was really just all a lot of little things (and a big whopping migraine,) that made me really in a terrible mood.  And, truth be told, I have really no one to tell it to.  So I won't bother telling you.
(though, in the heat of the moment, I did write this on tumblr, feel free to feel my pain.)
Mostly all I have to say is, as of RIGHT now, Christmas (or Thanksgiving if I am very very lucky,) cannot come fast enough.  And that sucks because September is taking it's sweet time finishing up.

Really, I just want someone to talk to. That's about it.
I'm kind of done with this entry, there isn't much to report.  I've already buried my face in my sorrows, now I'm sitting on my deck and looking into the distance, listening to crickets and looking at the seafoam green house I can see out my window.

Oh, my belly.

Corey Russell is our teacher this week in Core Class, which is nothing is not slightly surreal.  Now, I've been aware of the fact that I am at IHOP (duh,) and that it is the same IHOP that is on TV at home; but having these people that are speaking prayers out into the air at my house when my mom has the TV on be my teachers is kind of weird.  I mean, it's not like we are in a small classroom or anything, we aren't; we are at the main  sanctuary at FSM which is huge (and freaking cold, but I don't wanna get myself started on that.) and there's around 200 people in my core class.  But still, Correy Russell is one of the people I remember the best from seeing IHOP on TV, and he is my teacher this week.  How crazy.
And classes are so good, but so intense.  Hence my belly: I am worn out from crying out, I am worn out from crying out and feeling the holy spirit inside coming out, I am emotionally exhausted--and my belly hurts!  I can only assume that it's coming from the breakthrough that I'm feel like I've been going through; I've felt like I've gone through more delieverance in the past two days than I have been the whole month and a few days/weekish I've been here.  Wow, God is so amazing.

Anyway, whenever I try to write about spiritual matters in any other setting than in my prayer journal or so on they come out ramblings that only make sense while I'm writing them.  And a blogspot about my everyday comings and goings seems to not be ideal.

So, since I've last written I've been in a slightly better mood.  Only slightly.
But, I have been. I'm not lying.
Friday was an okay day, I think.  From what I can remember it wasn't that specific.  I got coffee with Jane and tried my darndest (?) to cheer her up (it was hard, she was bummmmmed out.)
I watched a lot of Greek on hulu.  That's what I've been doing when I haven't been in class/prayer room, watching a terrible terrible television show.  (By the way, I started watching it on wednesday, and I'm all the way through the first season and 15 episodes of the second season...don't add up the hours. I hate you.)
Then, I had to go to a picnic on Saturday.  Which was lame and almost made me want to call my mom and ask her if I could move back home already.  I sat alone on a picnic table bench, two people said hello to me, one of them being a teacher, and I ate a gross hot dog.  Because the day was so crappy I got so anxious and uncomfortable I developed a migraine and went home and turned off all lights and sounds and slept for four hours and felt nauseous. :(
During the evening on Saturday, after I slept off my headache, I got up and Janae and Tori's cousins were in town for the night and staying over at our house.  So Rebekah was over and they were going to have a fire, and sit on the back porch.  Janae invited me out, but I had had enough socializing for the day.  And, really, what would I have to talk about with them? I barely have anything to talk about with Janae and Tori, let alone Rebekah, and the cousins (who are two dudes in their twenties from Colorado), seriously nothing to say.  And I was grouchy, and I hate being grouchy and thus awkward and making first impressions.  It was good for everyone if I just stayed in my room.  I had my door open because Hayley was really antsy with all the new people coming in and out so she kept coming in and out of my room as well, so Rebekah came and told me that I was allowed to be outside with them, don't feel like I couldn't be...and that they're good Christian boys so I shouldn't be scared of their "worldliness"....Oh man, I was SO angry.  SO ANGRY. That was really rude.  Sometimes....guh.
But a little after that Jordan walked by and I told her that my day sucked and she invited me to hang out the next morning with her.  And that was really great.
Jordan hangs out and does her work at a coffee shop in Waldo (about ten minutes away from Grandview, closer up towards the Plaza and Brookside) called "Coffee Girls" and it was so cute, and has the greatest IKEA furniture and it's so clean and designy.  We hung out there and I got a free cafe au lait that was pretty much awesome.  Her friend Dallas came and hung out for a little while too; he's pretty cool, I mean he loves some of the same things that I love...that start with "I" at least...Ira Glass and IKEA. :) So that was all good coversation.
Once Jordan had something else she had to go do I met Jane at Broadway and we hung out in westport the rest of the afternoon.  Sunday was a generally respectable day.

That's pretty much all I've been up to, since I last wrote.
Mostly I am totally drained by the heavy teaching this week...in a good way.
Now I'm sitting outside the prayer room.  I've been going in an out, I'm so tired when I go in there though! Gah, I have to keep leaving to help from falling asleep.
I like free wifi,  it's a beautiful day.


Cheers.  I bought headphones, and am listening to my ipod...it's been too long Robert, I've missed you ever so much.
Fleet Foxes :) mmm. Perfect music for the weather. Later Skaters.

Well, trying.

Today I took a day off, mostly.
I've watched TV on my computer, cleaned up my room, listened to music, reorganized my bookcases, deep conditioned my hair with my stain conditioner, and trimmed my bangs.
Then, Jane and I went to Target.
I am mostly doing not much.
But I want to try and update more.

More, when (if) it happens.


Oh, the dog is weird today and stood outside my door CRYING VERY LOUDLY from about 7:30-9:30 off and on. 
It was annoying.  And she just wanted me to let her outside, over and over again.  She must have an upset stomach or something.  Anyway.  That's about it.
My skin is irritated by something too.  I have bit splotchy red spots, which I guess means I'll never get married.

It's weird to be somewhere, where almost no one knows me as a blonde...

I'm sorry that I've been not-so-consistant.  I always, ALWAYS, mean well with blogs, but I almost never keep up with them.
With the exception of a xanga that I wrote in almost everyday for around three and a half YEARS.
Since then I've not been good with it.  Things like facebook, twitter, tumblr, all these things are more fun than myspace was back in the day when I updated xanga all the time, so I naturally had no other internet distractions at that time.  Email, myspace, and xanga.  And xanga was the most interesting.
Oh how things change so quickly. It's kind of weird, you know?

Other than being sick all last week I haven't been up to much.  I was out of commisson for a good 4.5 days, so there wasn't much I could've been doing!  I slept so much! Although, I think it's messed me up a little bit because now I'm having a hard time sleeping at night, just from 6am-1pm. Gross. I hate it.
I'm trying to get over it. Trying, failing, whatever.

Let's see, what've I been up to since I've last updated...Well, sick, mostly.
But, on Friday Jane I did go down to the crossroads and go to first fridays; it wasn't as organized as we meant it to be, but oh well.  Then we ate at winsteads and it was SO LOUD in there.  Like an entire high school had invaded it.  One of the waitresses had to yell at the whole restaurant! I've never seen anything like that before!  I felt like I was eating lunch in the commons again.  Eventually we just went back to her apartment and chatted for a while.  It wasn't a bad night.
Saturday was boring.  Jane was out of town.  I slept on and off all day.  Talked to Renae (my roommate) for a good while, which was really nice, and then we out driving and got lost in the ghetto at night.
Good right? Yes. It was super great.
Sunday was uneventful.  I went to church, I laid around.  Drank coffee at Jane's. 
Yesterday wasn't too bad, labor day.  I went to TWO SUPER TARGETS IN ONE DAY! (wow!) and that was pretty great... I looked at CDs at best buy, and this creeper kept looking over my shoulder...I quit looking after that and went home.  Talked to my grandma on the phone for about forty five minutes, which was nice.
Then I went and saw Max Justus, a local--and quite well known, apparently, he played at Cornerstone last year--DJ who Jane knows. I've never been to see a DJ, so I had no clue what to expect.  And it was exactly what I expected.  Oddly enough.   I was really worried that I wouldn't know what to do, like stand, sit, dance, whatever, but it was okay because we just sat and watched everything that went on. 
The dancing was hil-arious.  Hipsters dancing, oh man, I enjoyed it ever soo much.  And I liked the music a lot too.  It helped that I've been listening to a lot of electronica music lately (due to my slight Erlend Oye obsesion,) so I was definitely in the mindset.  Also, he's really good.  Also, he's really attractive.  So, either way I liked it (haha)
Although- he has a mullet.  It didn't bother me at all.
But yeah, it was fun.  And this guy that Jane has a crush on somewhat paid attention to her so she was all happy and stuff.
We were good, it was fun. 
That was labor day. Targets, Prayer Room, And DJs.
Then I couldn't sleep, went to the prayer room. AT FIVE IN THE MORNING WHEN I HADN'T YET BEEN TO BED. So I came home and slept all afternoon, then went to broadway for coffee with Jane and then we sat at the Foundary for a while. Which after our  DJing night, was pretty lame, and we're totally expecting tons of hipsters and fun times.  Instead we got old people and french fries.
My sleeping patterns are all off wack.
Anyhow, now it's Jane's, Brenna's and Fred's birthdays; turning 22 and 21 respectively, HAPPY BIRD-DAY to them.
I'm watching Glee on my computer.

See you all soon.
(sorry for my inconsistancies again,)

I've got my reasons!

I know that I said I would update almost everyday and I've already failed.
But, I have a good reason.
Well, for one, Sunday-I had small group.
And Monday-I had class and then hung out at the plaza with Jane (which is not a good excuse, but whatev.)
And then, THEN, I was dying.  I mean, I feel okay now.  But earlier, I was DYING. I have been in bed for TWO days. I have not gotten dressed for two days. I had a fever earlier, and I've thrown up five times.
This is all gross, I know, but I am sick. And I am sorry that I'm sick and bad at blogging.
But I am sick and bad at blogging, sometimes.
so, there.

"Whelp.... who wants pizza?"

Good Morning everyone. Ish, good morningish.  I mean I definitely was up until 4 am tweaking this blog thing, and it's definitely after one PM  now.  It was way more morning before I went to bed last night, you know, than it is now.  Oh well.
Totally besides the point.

Like I said, I'm going to update this more regularly, about recent commings and goings and pancake eating and everything.
So, here is my first attempt.

Yesterday was Friday (yes, here too.) And I only have one class on Fridays, the only class that isn't called a class, it's called a "practicum"; which only makes me think of sophomore year of high school when there was a really cute practicum student teacher (the ones who didn't teach, just chilled out and took notes...or, more commonly to my paying attention, nothing at all) that I would pass coming in and out of Mr. Jones class.  This is nothing like that.
We are in a classroom for our practicum: there's a white board with markers and everything (sometimes my teacher even uses it) and a podium, and classroomy things. I think this is one of the biggest reasons it feels like a class.  For my "classes" we are just in the church "sactuary" I guess is what it would be called.  And there are way more of us in my normal M-W class. About 200 or more people.  I digress.
The Practicum is really interesting though, mostly, because it's more intellectual stuff--history and so on.  I like history a lot, I like doctrine and specifics, I like to learn about things that I'm immersed in, the back story and everything.  Actually yesterday, we were talking about the cannon, and translations and stuff (the Bible) and thanks to Dr. Gartig's class last year (that I failed...besides the point,) I knew everything he was talking about! And I found that class fascinating, just really really hard.
Anyway, in that class we are talking about doctrine, and how you can't love something that you don't know anything about, and why studying doctrine is so important.  And man, my heart, man.

After class I made an executive decision to not go to EGS (I'm not supposed to make decisions like that) but I just wanted out of FSM for a little while. Three hours of class everyday, four-five hours prayer room everyday... I'm just getting used to things, but I'm getting a little tired.  I'm getting better, but it's a hard adjustment.  It's so much sitting, sitting and waiting.  Which is great! It is.  It's just haaaarrrd.
I'm a wimp.
So instead of church, Jane and I went to IHOP! I mean! The Pancake kind!!
We didn't go to the IHOP that so many people are totally cool with going to in Grandview, because like I said, Grandview is the scariest.  We went to Leawood, KS--which is pretty much like if all the retail in Florence married the wealth of Union and was a really spiffy suberb (one of the richest in the country) in KS.  Everything there makes Grandview even scarier, with it's lack of scariness (making up some of it in pretention, but not at like...IHOP.)
There was a cute waiter, only he had a pony tail.  It was weird. I could see him, Jane could not. Though, she really wanted to. Ha--I win.
Then we meander (?) around the rest of the street.  Macy's, mallish stores, and Barnes and Noble.  I read a lot of Michael Ian Black's book of essays.  I especially loves "David Sedaris can suck it!"  Why? Because I love David Sedaris and I love Michael Ian Black. 
Eventually we ended up back at my house. Hung out.
And, honestly. I've lost my train of thought.

Anyhow, I'm trying to update everyday, and I've already failed.
On with tomorrow.
UP UP AND AWAY.
(Am I going to change the date so this looked like I wrote it at the right time? you bet your bottom dollar I might.)

Peace.
-hannah

Copeland, making me feel like missing home.

Hello all, internet, friends, countrymen, fellow apostles, brothers, sisters, starbucks partners.... ect.
School has started for pretty much everyone that I know now, and I hope that it is all going very well.  I'm thinking and praying for everyone to have super productive semesters.  Lord knows, I need that in my life.  School is so different; it's so good, and it's so weird.  I spend more time not in class, and in the prayer room--for a grade.  This is weird, because I have a super short attention span.  I mean, really God is wonderful, He really is, but I get so distracted.  Do you know all that's going on in the GPR (global prayer room--here at IHOP-KC, we are all about initials.)?? Soooo much.  Like, there is all these cameras that are taping for GodTV, there are people pacing, there are more asian people than I've ever seen (and I've been to China Town NY) there are worship teams, there's Lou Engle, and Allen Hood and all these other people I've seen my mom watching on TV. There are cute boys.  There are little kids.  There are so many interestin people.  There are so many people doing stuff, and I just wanna look at it. 
This is what I get to do for school--sheesh! It' really weird.

(so, sidenote: my keyboard is sticking like you would not believe, and if there's a letter missing from a word, I apologize.  I'm trying to pound the stickiness out of the keys, but I can only type so hard.  It kind of hurts.  But, I digress.  What I mean to say is, sorry if I miss letters sometimes.)

Anyway though, school is so different because it's more Church than school, though it's way more school than church.  Okay, okay, it's only been one and half whole weeks.  I don't really know what I'm talking about.  Bear with me.
How is school for everyone going though? I really wanna know, I wanna be all up to date with you all.
And if you aren't in school, how's the end of the summer? How's jobs? Life? Good? I hope so.

But other than school, I've been doing plenty of things; KC is such a cool city.  I have been around more hipsters than I was when I was at Cornerstone, or Clifton or anything.  It's really weird.  They're all so pretty...
I've eaten such good food.  I've been in cooler places, with awesome people, it's been really great.
I live in a house with 4 other girls, and they are all blessings to have and know.  We also have a dog (well, my roommate, technically, has a dog.  But we all love her.) her name is Hayley and she is the prettiest golden retriever ever (well, minus my good ol' Lady [RIP]) and if you know me, you know I'm eating that up with a spoon.  Seriously she is the coolest.  She's like a dog on TV, you know the pretty healthy goldens who just want to be petted and play ball; if you throw a frisbee in the air she can run and catch it before it hits the ground.  Lady didn't move unless there was food involved, and sometimes not even then; Winston doesn't know how to sit on command--you can imagine my joy.
Other than the dog, I'm also getting along with my roommates, as I said, they're all pretty great.  Janae and Tori are sisters, they have the lease on the house, they're from California; they are the sweetest girls ever, and so funny.  Janae is genuinely one of the sweetest people I've ever met, and is so interested in people.  It's wonderful.  Tori is hilarious! She has the greatest giggle I've ever heard.  Renae has the room right next to mine, she is from Kansas (about three hours west of here,) and she works as a day care.  She is funny and great to be around--tomorrow we are going a-job hunting together--and she is so grounded and on track with the Lord.  She's great to be around and get to learn from.  Also, she's just super fun. Then lastly (and maybe not much longer :( :( which I'll miss her a lot!)  is Jordan.  Jordan has been pretty much everywhere, and done like everything.  She lived in Florida, she went to Asbury for awhile (so she lived in KY!) and then went to Simmons College in Boston (and took classes at Harvard! Holy crap! Who does that?! Rivers Cuomo, Natalie Portman...Rory Gilmore... Seriously.)  She is the coolest though, and I'm so happy to know her.  She's pretty much the funniest person ever.  And I feel super cool that she likes me.
I live in a pretty great house.

Grandview (the suburb of KC that I --unfortunately, technically--live in) is totally creepy.  Totally.
There is an entire abandoned shopping mall, along with all the other shopping on the road.  It would be if Mall road, and Houston were completely deserted. (If you are from Florence, or NKY, would that be relevant, but yeah)
Super creepy, right? Yes.
And you kinda feel like you're going to be attacked or somehing.  Thank God that IHOP-KC is based here, other wise it would stupid to live here.

Um, I can't think of anything else to talk about right now (it's so late.)
Starting tomorrow I think it'll be more day to day, less general, entries.
But I kinda just wanted to talk a little about vague stuff.

I hope everyone is sleeping right now.  And getting plenty of rest (it's almost 4 in the morning! eek, here, which means it's almost 5 for most of you, in eastern time!) and have great weekends.

talk more tomorrow, I'll be more organized.
love love love, hannah

"My theme is ALL OF THEM"

Microblogging is ruining my writing skillz.

I used to blog all the time, I used keep up with my own life, and write decently. I used to.
But then, then it was like "Hey! Twitter is soooo much easier!" and "It's totally acceptable to take out apostrophes, and abbreviate...dont worry bout it, 140 char. isnt alot."
But, who wants that? It's just little weird blips of my life; nothing close to the real thing. Mostly me whining about being cold. That's what's been lately. School is cold, I'm a wimp, sor-ry.

Here's to starting anew, most likely with a different blog URL, in a new state, with a new life, and new sets of uninteresting life events, and run-on sentences.

Here's to Missouri!

NEW BLOG! in honor of starting anew.

Also, go to my tumbr, because no matter how many good intentions I've got, I'll always update my tumblr waaay more.

Cor-ner-stone-2-0-0-9.

I've been back from Cornerstone for around two weeks now, and I'm finally including the internet world into my trip (minus pictures that I posted, but had little stories along with them, I'm much better with words, than "photographing" stories,)


I've tried to write this many times. Many, many...three maybe four times....unsuccessfully.

But, I will try again.



Cornerstone was "Fabulous!" as Kaylee said, and "Splendid!" I said; also "Muddy!" and "Tiring!" as I've also said at other times. The weather was good, slightly cool and overcast more times than not--my favorite kind of weather. I got to wear long pants and my Cincinnati sweatshirt nearly everyday and all the time. This was good.

We saw a lot of good bands and good people, and interesting bands and interesting people.

It was great to go with Kaylee and Caitlin (Cheyanne didn't enjoy as much as the rest of the group, but that is not my fault, I made the trip enjoyable, possible, hilarious and POSSIBLE; therefore, not my fault.) Everyone had a (mostly) wonderful great time!!



I can't remember everything so well, so I'll make a list. It will most likely turn out too long, and too detailed to be a list by the time I am done, but oh well. I am me.



-We got free ice cream in Indianapolis at a McDonalds; mine was a McFlurry with out anything but icecream in it, which is pretty much the only way to enjoy a McFlurry--all blended up, and only ice cream. I barely ate any of it. It was free.



-Caitlin got hit on in said McDonald's. These boys that looked about thirteen told her that their dad thought she was really cute and then giggled immensely. We all laughed at their expense, and decided it probably wasn't their dad who thought she was cute! Wink! I guess you had to be there.



-We tried to combine our tent and the canopy that we didn't know how to put up and created the "Tent-o-py". over the course of the week and walking around amongst the other camp sites we noticed that other people had similar ideas, so then we made up more names like "tarp-o-tent", "Truck-o-tent" and the "truck-o-tarp-o-tent-o-py" We are quite clever.



-We walked around a lot, we people watched even more than we walked around.



-I didn't notice that tooth and nail day wasn't tooth and nail day (but some other unrelated to tooth and nail day) until I came home. No wonder there were no tooth and nail bands playing! I am a little bit retarded.



-There was a really good foodstand that had really good chicken, we had the chicken two times; the coffee place was also good, even though I don't generally like buying coffee at cornerstone. They had a totally delicious Sidamo roast and I loved it. Also they did not suck at pulling espresso so therefore I loved them more than I could ever love places that pull bad espresso shots (like, I don't know, starbucks...my place of employment right now...starbucks?) I notice things like this because I am weird.



-Before we left we myspace listened to a few of the bands that were playing when we weren't busy watching a band we already knew we wanted to see. Though doing this we found out that there are a lot of screaming bands at cornerstone, and we don't really want to see screaming bands at cornerstone. We were lucky enough to stumble upon the opposite (OPPOSITE) of a screaming band, they are called: Darcy. They are from TX, and they wear vests and ties are harmonize well. We ended up (on accident) seeing all their shows, but it was alright. They put on a musical they had written awhile ago on one of the last days, and it was really fun. The musical is cute and funny (if you want I could most likely find a youtube link to parts of it, and you can see for yourself.) We talked to a few of the members of the band and they are really nice and sweet guys and if I lived in texas I would totally go to one of their shows. If they play a reasonable amount near KC I will make Jane come with me to see a band that wrote a song about the Little House books.



-I talked to Theresa from Relevant (Cameron's assistant, I think) and she was really fun and nice; she was really excited that I am a podcast fan, and that made me happy. I bought a relevant tshirt, and when we were watching MewithoutYou this cute boy walked past wearing the same shirt (I had mine on as well) and he got all excited and pointed. I hope he likes the Podcast too. He thought I was awesome. (He also had to check that he was wearing the shirt after he pointed at me, it was funny.)



-We saw the Rocketboys and they were so great! I'm glad that they were so great, because last year I thought they were "so great!" but I also just managed to remember that I thought their name (at the time: Homer Hiccomb and the Rocketboys) was just genius and "so great!" So I wasn't sure how biased I was because of liking the name. I mean, I bought the EP last year, but it got pushed into the mess of the 500 some odd CDs I have and I didn't remember what they sounded like...exactly. This year their name is not so long, it's just the rocketboys, and I loved them like ten times more! And I've listened to that EP a billion times since I've been home! (



Also, Why does good music not come out of wherever I live only places like Northern Ohio, Chicago, and various places in TX?)



-All the Day Holiday is one of my new favorite bands!! this is now one of the only Cincinnati bands that I legitimately enjoy (outside of like, The Turnbuill ACs, Pomegranates, and you know Over the Rhine) I bought their full length release "The Things we've grown to love" and I adore it! See, I had had their EP already (I bought last year, but I happen to buy it the same day as the LAKES ep, and very few things can compete with Seth Roberts, and I have played the scum out of that one, the Lakes one.) But it too had gotten shuffled somewhere in my CD abyss and never on my ipod, and so, yeah. Also, honestly, when I bought the CD from them last year, I didn't think they were all that nice, so that totally morphed my opinion of their music, maybe even unbeknownst to me at the time. But I put them on the list of things we should see this year (we missed their first show, because I was like "Ah, they're okay, let's go eat some food instead and see them on thursday!" and I"m pretty made that I did that!) they were so great! I'm kind of mad that they're great, and we had to go to Cornerstone to see them and realize this. I mean, they've played tons and tons of Madison Theater, Mad-freaking-hatter, and Southgate shows in the past year that I totally would've loved to go to! Oh well, now that I'm moving to Kansas City I know. Anyhow, we are seeing them next week. I'm excited about it.



-We managed to watch Copeland, but there was like 104095830495982734982374 people there and we couldn't see anything! They were good though. They are so popular at Cornerstone!

But it all worked out, because they ended up playing at the 'hatter the other day and we went and saw them (and paid 15 bucks, at the 'hatter, they better have been awesome...) and they were really great! Really great!



-There were (estimation) about ... 15,000 generator stages. This is great a terrible. Great for the bands. Terrible for my untrained ears of good hardcore, screamo, metal, ect. Though, mostly, what I remember is that whenever we walked past the "Arkansas" stage, there was a dude there with an EPIC beard. And I was fascinated by that.



-We kept seeing this guy with Ira Glass type eye glasses, and we called him "Ira Glasses"; what we didn't realize til afterwards when we saw a picture of him on the Cornerstone website was that he was really weird looking.



-RK, Deas Vail, House of Heroes, ...we saw a lot of good/fun/nostalgia inducing bands, it's hard to remember my exact feelings about them. But I can say that they are all good and happy and warm and grateful feelings to be sure; towards all the bands we saw, everyone was so good! Ones I've mentioned and ones I've forgotton to mention. I can't say anything even a little not positive about any of the bands I've seen---even if I didn't love all of them a whole whole lote personally. The love that I feel when I go to Cornerstone kind of crushes my music snobbery; although, sorry, I still don't like Family Force 5...



-Rosie Thomas!! Oh mee oh my!! I saw Rosie TT! She is a doll, truly one of my favoritest shows ever!! I had a smile on my face the ENTIRE time! She is delightful, just like I had hoped. She played "Much Farther to Go" and lots of other songs that I love a whole lot (but I love "Much Farther to Go" the most, therefore the most important that she played.) She kind of knocks off one of the names of my absolute favorites I need see live, making the ones I've seen thus far: Ryan Adams (I need to see him alone though, not with the Cardinals,) Andrew Bird, Over the Rhine (oh man, fourth row at the at home for Christmas show, oh ohoh.) MewithoutYou (which more on that soon,) Sixpence.... Now I just need to see a proper Sufjan show, Erlend Oye (or KoC) and Belle and Sebastian. Then my life as of right now will be complete. Anyway, I love Rosie so much! She tells the funnest of stories and is hilarious, and her voice is beautiful, and I love her. Haha.



-Oh, MewithoutYou. Oh Aaron Weiss. Oh, you guuuuyyyyyysss. I loved it. I wish it could've been longer. I got a tshirt though :) and I waited a long long time to get it. Haha, it was well worth it though.

I don't have a lot of words for it. I loved it. Looooved it.



-Last bullet: Now Kaylee and I can sing the entire "I'm on a boat" (censored version, naturally) from start to finish with no musical prompt of accompaniment whatsoever. Why? Because we are...great. We are great.



that mostly was Cornerstone.

"My Summer"

It hasn't exactly ended or anything, but it feels like it should be very close to ending, so there you go.
Mostly what I've done this summer has been to go to Cornerstone, which was a lot, considering.
That and I've worked my butt off for no reward at Starbucks.

Here's the thing about starbucks: I don't hate it, I don't even really dislike it; I usually laugh when I'm at work, at least once, and it doesn't go quite as long or feel quite as terrible as it did when I worked at places like Scheban or Macy's. But I don't like it. I don't feel like I'm leaving any friendships that would've been fruitful and come to anything. Don't get me wrong, I like the people I work with okay, we are generally friendly and friends on facebook and the whole nine yards as far as aquaintances go, but I wouldn't hang out with them outside of work.
Lydia, I like, she is sweet and we enjoy each other. But, the problem is that we get yelled at because we talk to much, and don't do productive things in our downtime. That's what I don't really like about Starbucks, and this is most likely because of the opposite feeling of the beanery. They like you to have fun and be comfortable at work, as long as you follow a lot of guidelines, and don't talk much. I understand being productive, but they're such funsuckers. They suck out the fun.
Also, I don't really fit in with them. I know this is the story of my life, blah blah, I wish people would talk to me, blah blah, I tell stories and people walk away before I am done, blah blah; even I am sick of my complaining like this. But it's different, and I"m okay with this difference, and it's this: the people I know at starbucks (from before starbucks) are living lives they weren't raised to live; they were raised on Jesus and loving others and being moral. They are not bad people, but they aren't living like that. I'm not trying to say I'm perfect, in fact that's the difference, I am not okay with that sort of lifestyle and I'm not okay with my own sins. Things that were forbidden are now what they live. It's just really strange to me.
Also-I don't drink, I don't mess around, I don't party, and I really don't even cuss that much.
That's whywe're different and I don't fit it.
And that's okay.
All to say, I just haven't made any friends I'll take out of work.
But, I've made over a thousand dollars, so there you go.

Good job.

Look up into the sky, love. See that moon shine, so high up above us.

I'm moving in ... twenty six days. And that's not a terribly long time.
I want to stretch on and on, and somehow never end; but I also want it to be finished as soon as possible because I do not enjoy waiting.
My last day at starbucks is August the 5th.
My last day in Florence is August the 8th (my dead dog's 12th birthday, if she weren't dead.)
I'd like to see you all,
I'd like to laugh, and spend time, and carry on, and talk about music and movies.
It would be fun.
But, hell.
It's not like I'm dying or anything. I'll be home at Christmas, just like everyone else.
That's the most refreshing thing..."just-like-every-one-else".... :)

Pretzels.

I know that not everything will be 100 percent better and changed when I move to Kansas City, but the staleness and repetitiveness of Northern Kentucky is beginning to completely gross me out.

One day I'll be one that people call when they want to.
Not the person they call when everyone else is too busy.

I have a favorite date.

I don't know why this is, but I like the date March the third.
It's the day I decided (at the age of 11) that I would get married.
It's just a day that I choose as my own. I think because it's two threes, and I like threes, and it's in march, and I like march. I also have to share my birthday with my dad, so my birthday is usually spent "remembering that it's my dad's birthday" over compensating for it being my birthday, which made more sense when I was little, and I'm pretty sure I'll have to go through therapy over one day.

So I claimed march the third.

Here are some other things that are great about March the Third, thanks to Wikipedia.

Bosnia was established, It's IRA GLASS'S birthday (I just read this, like I never knew it before, this makes perfect sense...because I love Ira Glass.) It's also Duncan Phillips the drummer of the Newsboys birthday (I feel like I knew this, I was eleven....nevermind.)
Well nothing else really happened. Ira Glass and Bosnia were born! Yay!

Maybe I'll get married on march third. Eh, that's all.

I didn't know I had to go to work today.

I didn't go.
They called me awhile ago, but it was too late.
Though, oh well, I hate Macy's. I don't care if I get fired.
I have to work tomorrow. I can't pretend I didn't know two days in a row.
Because I'm really quite good about checking voicemail. And, they have my home phone.
Hopefully tomorrow starbucks will call. And I can quit Macy's.






Forever.

Tweet tweet!

Reading famous people's twitters, if they are personal accounts of course, are like seeing into their home lives, and you're like "You're rich and famous, fine, what? you want to be a normal person too?! Nuh uh!!"

Reading Mandy Moore's twitter, and thinking...you have a home life Mandy? You have a home life with RYAN ADAMS?
That is not a home life...this is a reality show waiting to happen.... it has to be.

Why the Coffee Beanery closing has screwed up my life:

Today was the first monday that I normally would've been at work for 8.5 hours but instead was not doing anything. It's really quite a strange phenomenon that's happening in my life. I haven't been unemployed in 4 years; I haven't had just one job in 3 years, so just having one job that I work there roughly once a month is just mind bogglingly(?) awful.
I was generally happy the past few weeks over the beanery's end. I was mad at how stupid everything had gotten, and I was sick of being around the people all the time. I needed a break from teenage partiers and general idiots, I needed a break from the world's more unorganized boss, I needed a break from having to be around Fred's lovey dovey 'emily is so pretty even though she was my second choice of the orgin girls' self all the time. I was glad that it was finally done. That it wouldn't just be a cover up for why everything looked like crap all the time, and why I was always out of everything anyone ever wanted. I was sick of people blaming me for not having sinful sundae in stock (and threatening to "tell dave on me", wtf was he going to do? seriously? It was all his fault.) The end seemed like such a great thing. Until now it's happened.
I don't want the beanery, per say, back. I just want my consistancy back. My job there affected my life in such certain, little, particular, crucial ways; I don't know why I didn't think about it before, but it's totally screwed up my life. I'll give you two rock hard examples of why:

Example 1)
Today my iPod ran out of charge. This never, I repeat NEVER happens. I'm pretty sure my iPod has died ONE time in the nearly a year I've owned him. Robert (my iPod,) always has battery charge; the only time he died was because something weird happened and maybe it got turned on in my car or something all night, or wasn't on lock in my purse, and then decided it needed to reformat. This was only about a month ago. And it's not like I have any means other than my computer to charge him, my dock only plays it won't charge if it's playing.
Why did Robert always have charge? Because, three days a week he was sitting on a charger for 9 hours at a time. When I was at work. Robert ran out of battery today, because he hasn't been on that charger.

Example 2)
I have no money. Now, this is not because of paychecks; I still have a beanery paycheck coming, and it's only about three days later than normal (if we got them on Friday, when they were dated, but that didn't matter because we never got them at a consistant time anyway.)
It's tips. I don't have any tips!
I don't know about any of my coworkers, but I made about 25 dollars a day on tips, at least on Mondays and Wednesday. And I usually made around 20 on Fridays, sometimes more like 30 bucks or more depending on if anyone else was working.
This is also because I've gone to starbucks like three times in the past week, and my lack of spendin' change (tips) and free coffee (beanery) I've spent like 10 bucks on coffee!
(Note: I'm aware I don't have to get coffee out places, I know, but old habits die hard.)

The Beanery's death is ruining my life.
And I have no job. That counts.
I don't want to go and learn new things. I just want to read books and listen to Belle and Sebastian and make weird made up drinks in the blender all day.



I miss my job.





I even miss Jimmy Brady.

Spring is full.

Spring is full of new ideas, and new plants and smells and bugs and things. It's the resurgence of warm weather, and the beginning of the end of semesters, all the things that eventually become summer. I love the spring. There is something to love about new beginnings. Things are fresh and new, and when things are fresh and new you really can't not love them, there's nothing to hate; and if you hate when there's nothing to hate , well, you're just too pessimistic.

Spring is about new friends, and the return of allergies and rainy migraine headache days; I'll take them all with a spoonful of a sugar, that is too say, I hope it doesn't get stuck in my throat and burn. I'll take it with a swig of pomagranate tea, maybe, that seems to be something that doesn't have any negative side effects.

I want to paint, I want to ride my bike, I want to fall in love with someone. I never can master the third one; I can't even master unrequited love, and that isn't that hard. Last spring I was all consumed with old love, maybe showing a head, maybe nothing again. Nothing again. But that was then, and this is now, and I'm ready. At the very least I'll ride my bike.
When I get around to fixing the chain.

Sping is when I want to take walks, and when I want to sit on the swing in the backyard. I want to cherish the time when it's warm, but not too warm for me; sunny before it hurts. The spring is well worn out metaphor, even a simile too. But cliches are usually cliches for good reason.

Sometimes I miss things...

Like you, for example.





I was looking at my "edit entries" page, this is really quite strange; I have round abouts ten entries that I've typed out three or four sentences (sometimes up to a paragragh, sometimes less) but apparently didn't finish my thoughts. Thoughts about my birthday, thoughts about just life in general, thoughts about my trip, nothing finished. Why am I surprised? I am not, but it's still a little sad.

But, here we go, none the less, this one I'll finish.
( 10 hours later... )

A lot of things have happened since I've written anything of substance on here; a lot of nothing, those are the kind of things that happen to me.

Okay, with the exception of meeting Andrew Bird, that was pretty neat. Not gonna lie.

First it was my birthday. I had a little bit of an emotional breakdown en route to turning 20, I don't think that I've gotten over it just yet. Mostly because at the moment I have nothing going for me, I have no money, I'm not in school, and I'm getting over strep throat. Last week this was not the case. Week by week the age of "20" is looking less and less appealing. But, like I said, I'm a little bit in a rut, and can't really look at things the right way.
My birthday was not bad. Nothing really happened though, I got a new bookshelf, which I'm extremely proud of. It has sections. It's big. It's from IKEA.

Inbetween March and my Birthday I went to Louisville with Sarah Herndon, she is very nice. We went and saw someone I've been wanting to see since I was about 15. Get ready for it.....Sondre Lerche!! He was the most adorable person in the entire world. Even though we saw him in a huge auditorium with a lot of old people, and the only way to see his face was on a jumbotron. He is the most adorable person in the world on a Jumbotron even. I challenge you to see him, hear him talk and joke, talk about Steve Carrell and how much he loves Norway, and for you NOT to giggle yourself to near death. Unless you're a boy, because if that happened to you and you're a boy...I'm not quite sure I'd want to know.
The other thing we did in Louisville was to eat some pizza. It was good. Burt Reynolds was airbrushed on the wall behind us, and Fred tipped our waiter (who did nothing, that's kinda the shtick there) like 10 bucks or something. Sometimes Fred is borderline.

And then we thought the beanery was going to close and I was totally okay with it. I totally despised everyone there and everything about the stupid place, and my stupid manager, and good riddence to them all! But then, we didn't close at the end of February, and just like every other time I've been angry with Dave Clark I got over it and worked until I got sick. Which then, over my sickness, a month later than we thought, the beanery did in fact close. It's gone now.

But, during that time I went to Missouri and that was a totally overflowing basket of goodtimes! Like an easter basket, or something my grandmother might bid on at a silent auction. Baskets full of fun. It was cool, Kansas City is cool, Lawrence KS is terribly cool, museums and good chinese food and walks and sunny weather, all very cool.
The first day we had starbucks, the second day we went to Kansas, I ate an elk burger; also, they have McDonald's for reststops in Kansas, and Urban Outfitters, and hipsters. Then we saw Andrew Bird, he was great; actually, Andrew Bird is the most wonderful musically inclined prettiest man ever. I rather enjoyed Mr. Bird and his violin and whistling. He signed my moleskine, it was an awkward, though perfect, few minutes. Jane was too scared to talk to him. Yeah, I didn't get it either.
The third day we hung out with this boy Jane liked, he was nice, he was a hipster; he also swore that he hated the beatles because they are the downfall of rock and roll, Jane agreed and I'll never forgive her.
The fourth day I think it rained a little, and there was a chili party, that was fun.
The last few days are kinda running together now...that was like three weeks ago. We ate pizza, I know that, we listened/watched and quoted Stella and Michael Ian Black and Michael Showalter a lot, we walked around, we went to some museums (one two times).
Then I flew home and got a seat all to myself.

When I came home I got out my bike to fix it. (Which my dad has now almost fixed, the only problem is that the chain jumps gears. Ehh, that's not very good.)
It was really warm and I wore long shorts, I look terrible in shorts of any kind. But they were comfortable. I even said in the car "It's a shame that things that are so comfortable are so unflattering and ugly, case in point, my long shorts today...." to Fred, to which he responded with....silence.
Fred is very reassuring. NOT.

Brian was in town, he came over that Saturday; Kaylee, Fred and Ashley Ross also came over. Fred pouted all night and went home early. Brian youtubed slacklining and we just stared. Sometimes I forget that we are all girls and just don't get things that boys like. My dog likes Brian a lot; but, who doesn't? (haha,)
Then my parents came home from the trip they were on.
It was my mom's birthday.

Michael Scott quite Dunder Mifflin. This could turn into horrible or brilliant television....Office writers, I'm counting on you....
Demetri Martin's show is a lot retarded. But I still like Demetri Martin.

I went back to work, and life went on as unentertaining as ever.
I got angry with Dave at work. Nothing else new happened. We all went out for Pizza, then I went to Lizzy and Julie's for their little get together; Fred came too, he was unimpressed with how "uncool" their get together was. I am unimpressed with him that he was expecting something more exciting.
(I'm not meaning to attack Fred at the end of paragraphs, I'm just telling it like it is....man.)

And, then Sara and I got stuck in Cincinnati because her car almost exploded.

THEN.
I GOT
STREP
THROAT.
I'M IMPRESSED YOU'VE READ THIS FAR.

And now I have no job and haven't done anything productive for a week.

TADA!
I have a lot of Death Cab on my itunes now, I really don't know how I feel about it just yet.

Moments.

"Is it weird that I've only ever liked one boy? Like, should I be liking other boys now?"
I look myself up and down, and think "Of course."
You know, I'm jealous, even though I never really had it to begin with, and I certainly don't have it now, but I'm jealous. I want to be as far away as I can be, but impressing him none the less; then he will want what he ignored before. He'll want what he cannot have.
Though, if he asked I'd say yes in a minute; I'm strong enough to not let go and weak enough to cave at all the wrong things.
I want to delete him from my friends list on Facebook. But absolutely would never do that.
It would be different if he had a girlfriend, he doesn't, he hasn't, but he probably will once he realizes it. Even if I'm married by then I will be jealous.
I thought once this part was done, I'd like myself again; I don't. Again, hm, that is a funny word.
"Did I like myself to begin with?"
I feel very exposed, and I wish I wasn't. I feel surprised that people don't point and laugh. I am surprised that I would think people paid that much mind to me, it is very obvious that they do not.
I hate change, and that's why I'll be jealous, and that's why I'll be hurt. That's why I can't delete him from my friends list. I want to talk to him all the time, tell him the whole story, but I cannot and I will not.
"I'm sorry that I saw you today, and that I didn't say hi. I'm sorry that I scared hoping you'd say hi to me. I'm sorry that I never told you the truth, but you probably know it anyway, and think less of me as it is."
No one heard me.
"I'm sorry I didn't do what I said I was going to do."
I'm a little lonely right now. I'm glad you have Jesus to keep you warm.
I guess, I do too.

Celebrity Collage by MyHeritage

MyHeritage: Celebrity Collage - Genelogy - Blank family tree

ELSEWARES »

ELSEWARES »

this is the coooolest website. For things to buy. For houses. And junk.

You're the only reason to keep on coming home.

(Top-Bottom: Brian & Fred; Fred & Brian; Henrie; Henrie; Kate; Henrie; Fred; Brian & Fred; Lizzy; Jane; Brenna; Ashley.)

I didn't take these, Kaylee did; but they're good, and at my Christmas party:)

And.

Happy New Year.
Eighteen Days late.

I'll respond when I haven't got so many things to do.