I lied again.

I said I'd probably write tomorrow. And I didn't. So, okay. Only half a lie.

I've discovered something in the past twentyish hours or so.  And by discovered something, I mean, I probably discover this every few months, but I always manage to forget, so (re)discovering this always makes me feel very smart.
This is it: I don't need to try to write well, in order to write well.
Okay, that sounds very prideful of me, I mean, the harder I try to be a good writer the less good things I write. Just like grammer and stuff, you know? If I think too hard about it, and try so hard to be the "great writer" people (my mom) says that I am (maybe) the less I actually write and the little I do write is very contrived and unfinished and honestly doesn't make much sense.
Like portfolio pieces in high school where your teachers just told you to keep adding descriptives and you'll get a good score.
So. That's why I'm writing nonsense entries on this here blog. Because I feel like it will get my back in the swing of writing. And I won't suck at it.

Speaking of writing. I have to write an undated version of my testimony for SEEP (summer early entry program) (taking the classes I didn't take this semester while I was in the internship, so that I can be at the same place I was at last semester, so I don't have to be behind in FSM) and I was just rambling with it (imagine that) with lots of parethetical parts and stuff like that (which is weird for me) and run on sentences... Either way, it was a mess. And I was just sitting in the prayer room next to Sexual Sins Ben [note: I don't know SS Ben, but one time Sarah and I found a prayer request form that he left on his chair on accident, asking for prayer for some "sexual sins" he was dealing with; I'm not sure what this means, but I'm pretty sure that we weren't supposed to see that paper.] And I was just frustrated with myself and my lack of motivation to write this thing was, and I was like "Oh no, I'm not unorganized! How will I ever get my thoughts organized enough to write this paper??" and then I thought. "Oh. I guess I could write an outline."
So I did. I wrote an outline of, more or less, my life.
And it helped so much. So much.
And then I was like "Oh. I AM A GOOD WRITER! AND I KNOW HOW TO WRITE PAPERS! AND I LIKE WRITING PAPERS! I TOTALLY FORGOT! You know, I dropped out of college..."

I'm sorry.

Anyhow. I'm sitting in higher grounds and I just downed my coffee. I mean, downed it. So my fingers are kind of jittery. And all over the place.
Just like my thoughts. I wish an outline would help me in this situation.