I didn't forget; I did it on purpose.

I didn't forget about this, I didn't stop because I lost interest; I opened up the window every single night that I used my computer in the prayer room, since whenever the last time was. I opened up blank entries, I'd type either something witty if I could come up with it; or one word that I thought I could build off of, which would either become super relevant or super irrelevant depending on how the entry took shape, and then I would laugh to myself if the reason I chose it was because it made sense, or I chose it because it didn't.
   No one read the blog either way from as far as I could tell, but  I still felt this minor, albeit silly, sense of accomplishment updating all the time; when I stopped I felt a little disappointed, like that one person that stumbled across would be sad that I went away, because deep down we all just want to know people want us, and on a greater level, that someone needs up. Going off that for a second, I had this conversation lately, and though I don't feel like I have a lot of biblical insight personally (I think it's there, I just don't know it off the top of my head,) but I think that people need people, not just want people. I don't want argue and say they are not different concepts, they are completely different, but they are both true. I don't just want someone, I really need someone at different points in my life; I need the Lord all the time, I have the Lord all the time, I just need to choose to search for Him, but there are times that I need a tangible person, and God put that need in us. I don't think that was very much relevant to this paragraph, but there it is.
   When I stopped actually updating, I thought, well, one day I'll clear it all up, probably at the end. It's almost the end, and I'm not actually going to clear anything up. I'm just going to say, I'm not happy out the outside, I'm joyful on the inside. I'm a lover of God for struggles with iniquity, not a sinner struggling to love God; I'm a success, I know that my one simple glance ravishes His heart, and that if I seek Him I will find Him, and nothing else will do. But I know there are things in my life that I wish hadn't happened they way they did, I'm disappointed in the rose colored "religious"glasses that I saw certain things through, and when they turned out to just be human flesh and of the world like everything else, that it made me sadder than I should've.
Though, I have no regrets, I quit updating this silly thing with my day to day nothingness because I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to think about more than I already did (all the time) I didn't want to distract anything away from the fact that this season I am in, that is a mere...50 or so hours, at this point...from being completed, is really supposed to be about Him. And that's not what I would've talked about; I would've talked about how people let me down, and how I didn't think that God let me down as a cover-up for the fact that I felt like He kind of did for awhile.
I didn't want to repent for something that I knew I didn't even need to do. Even on a blog that no one reads on the internet.

So. There it is.
I have no idea what my life is going to be like in the next, well, even two months. I am fairly confident it will be here in Kansas City, being a part of the Prayer Movement; I am content with the fact that from another person in ministry's point of view, I am sitting in a room for hours on end, I kind of am.  But I know that I am shifting things, moving things, delighting and rending the heart of the Heavens. I plan on working, so I'm not really sure what the whole thing will look like, but I am young. I am dangerously young.

It is very weird that what I've done everyday for the past six months will be over in the matter of a weekend; as of Monday, I no longer am under the jurisdiction and control of Fire In the Night. I am not an intern anymore, I will just be an ihopper like everyone else. I won't have check in when I go places, and wear a badge with a terrible picture of me everywhere I go. I won't have to sleep on a squeaky bunk bed, and try to make myself sleep during the peak hours of everyone else's normal day. It will be weird to be back in real life, but I think the strangest part of the transition will be that it won't actually be that weird, that will take only a day or two, and then everything will be as if I never was on nights for six months, and it seems like it should be much bigger of a production physically.
I won't see the same 25 people I've been seeing every single day for the past six months, some of them ever again, and that's sad and strange and not that strange and sad all at the same time. The friendships I've had will become different things, some of them fading into nothingness, some of them fading into acquaintances and facebook friends; others will just become different versions of themselves now, strong ones, lacking certain characteristics and physical proximity. But, this isn't just in the internship, or IHOP, or me. This is the life I'm in right now.

What have a learned? I don't everything ever, and not a lot in particular. I trust Kirk Cameron a lot less that I did when it comes to theological themes (I didn't trust him much in the first place). I feel like I can read the Bible and actually be getting something out of it, which isn't like I didn't think I wasn't getting things out of it before now, now I just really understand.
I am loved. I am a lover. This is my success.
I miss Jesus, and I never realized I needed to.
He calls me Hephzibah, which means that His Delight is in me.
It's just a little while til I'll see Him, it's just a little while longer til I'll know him, it's just a little while longer and we'll be together...

And that I feel no condemnation in listening to Andrew Bird and reading novels, and sometimes idle talk is how you get to know someone, and it's much easier (and more productive) to talk to God about people than to talk to people about God. I don't feel condemned or guilty about any of this.
I'm excited to have a foundation for knowing what's right & wrong & worth feeling condemned about, and what's worth calling others' to righteousness about.
I'm so happy I did this. And I'm so happy to be finished.

So, right now I'm going to focus on he next month or so.
Or mainly, going to Cornerstone for free with Relevant, making a new friend named Garrett who's also going with Relevant. And then a lot of sitting out my by parents pool, and just putting to practice what I've learned.


Annnd.
Break.

If I ever feel like I need to question God's favor in my life,

I need to remember this day.

you know those dumb (though I secretly adore) games that are like fun "getting-to-know-each-other" things? I remember doing them in high school if I had a particularly energetic teacher, we would go around the room and say our name and one interesting thing about ourselves. I've done this particular "game" in numerous places, even in the internship that I'm in right now.
whenever I have to do something like this, I can never think of anything fast enough. but, generally, even if I can't think of anything I find to be super interesting I can always 'wow' the crowds with this: "One time I won a contest..."
one of those "we'll pick a name at random to get a prize" type of contests, the kind that require no skill, just pure luck of the draw (literally). those are the hardest to win, which makes sense, there's nothing you can do to better your chances, other than entering a bunch of times, your chances are very slim.
the contest that I won was put on by the swedish rock band Mando Diao. which not many people have actually heard of, outside of places like sweden itself, maybe germany, japan... as in, the bitter americans I've generally told the story too are not terribly impressed by the actual winnings. one time I told a german customer I had (who was wearing a MD shirt) about winning, in broken english she exclaimed that she had seen them on MTV and I think really had no idea what I was talking about. but I feel like she would've really appreciated it, if she knew.
I won all the CDs & singles & EPs they'd released by that time (2006), a couple of (ugly) tshirts, a hat, lanyard, wrist band, and one of their singles on a 45'' from germany. All the CDs & vinyl signed by the band.
it was really cool. I was absolutely amazed.
it was a cool story. something that's kind of a weird once in a lifetime thing, you know? your name being randomly chosen to win a prize? definitely a once in a lifetime thing.


except that it happened to me again, just a second ago.


so, I love the relevant podcast. I like the magazine a lot too; they always have decently written articles on things that generally interest me, they have a pretty good selection of music reviews, and usually cover issues (social justice, spiritual, ect) that I can am interested in. but the podcast has the humor of jesse carey.
I love the podcast, I've laughed so hard listening to that bad baby in my car; their jokes become jane & mine's jokes. it's great.
so I was listening to one of the newer podcasts the other day, while I was letting color-enhancing conditioner sit on my hair before bed, and they made a comment about running a contest where all you have to do to enter is reply to relevantmag on twitter with a specific hashtag and you could win a ticket to cornerstone.
now, I'm not a big christian music person, I'm really not... but I am a big cornerstone fan. I've been five times, and I plan on continuing to go in the future. this year, with the internship, it didn't seem like going was really going to work out very well, but I thought: 'what the heck, I may as well enter, the chances of me winning are slim'. so I entered, and I forgot about it. that was last week.

I was just talking to my mom on the phone, not even remembering having entered the contest, a few minutes ago, about trying to get something about cornerstone to work out. and I happened to refresh my twitter page, and in the middle of her talking about how I would have just  barely enough money to go, and I notice that I have 3 direct messages. for the past, eh, two months or so, I've only had 2.
so I was kind of confused, so I checked it...turns out I won another contest. another. contest. I won the contest.

this is weird.
I am a lucky person.

The Lord is gracious, abounding in love.

the countdown is officially on. there are only eighteen days left of the internship. and tomorrow is sabbath, which means that it doesn't really count much.
I am very happy about this. like, very happy about this.
I mean, I'll be sad to leave, I'll be sad to see some people leave. but in general I'm just excited.

it's strange, the things that have been going on in my heart; in my head is a different situation, but my heart's been good. I've kind been in this place where I think, how can anyone really consider themselves really for something unless they're completely for it. like, I'm having this realization of lovesickness. it's weird, and good.
I don't know. I'm talking nonsense.
I'm not, but the words aren't coming out right.

anyway. the talk is that there's a new worship team on nights (I wish this would've happened earlier, now that I only have a few more weeks of being on nights, I could've used the change a few weeks ago). and they're good. like really good. also, like way more "popular" people than night people. the very fact that it's made up of recognizable day people is enough, but they're like really good.
jaye thomas is leading, allyson prior is chorus leading, matt gilman's drummer, adam sneigowski on guitar, nathan prior on piano. that's what.
if you're an ihopper this might mean something to you, or at least if you're on nights, these are not nightwatch people.

nightwatch people are weird, and these are all generally cool people.
there are like almost no "cool" people on nightwatch.

regardless of any of that though, it's a really good sounding team. I'm going to really enjoy their sets. which is good because I wasn't a fan (in the least) of alisha powell's team.
this is like a 180 degree change in how I feel about those sets.
so, I'm glad that it's happening the last two weeks.
anyway.

tomorrow's sabbath, and I don't want it to be sabbath. I don't have anyone to hang out with, and I hate just sleeping all day for lack of anything else to do.
but that seems highly probable.

errrr.

"And this I pray, that your love may abound still more and more..."

Mike Nesmith had great sideburns.

I have a picture of mike nesmith (yes, of the monkees' fame) as the background of my computer. and he has some epically shaped sideburns in the mid sixties. hm.

anyway, I've kind of been neglecting this blog that I had gotten so good at updating for the past week or so.
I'm trying to use as a way of passive aggressively venting about people. I don't want that sort of thing on the internet. it always embarrasses me later. I'm trying to be the better person.
hm.

other than that... twenty TWO more days. that is a very manageable number. three weeks?! three weeks ain't nothing. or, is practically nothing. you know what I mean. I'm starting to get more and more anxious.
I'm sick of everything. I'm so unbelievably burnt out. you all don't even know.
jane and I are getting coffee in the morning (ie-before bed...) and I don't even care if I shouldn't be doing stuff like that. I mean...I ...
blah, can you tell I just want to be out of the internship?

man, I will feel so accomplished when this is over. I'll have spent six months living a backwards schedule, spending roughly 53ish hours a week in either prayer room or awakening or church services. And I spend at least 8 hours a week in classes, around that many hours serving. with only one day a week off.
and we stay up all night. that totally effs with your balance of life I can't wait to get up at seven in the morning, instead of be taking a shower trying to relax myself into sleep. real life isn't like this, and that's why we do the internship I guess.
but really, I can't live like this anymore. I just can't.
I mean, I can live almost like this, just not to the crazy extent that I have to in the internship.

I've said it a million times and I'll say it again.
I cannot wait to be on days. and I can't wait to have a job again.
mostly though, I can't wait to be able to take a vacation, you know? like, just home. and not have to be at a certain place at a certain time and sign in and wear a badge and live such a painfully monotonous life.
I am clearly very sick of this internship. I wish I wasn't so sick of it

because I'll really miss everyone a lot, mostly.
this has been my life for half of 2010 already.

um. I have nothing else to report.
tony & I took naps in the healing chairs tonight on accident.
or, it was an accident for me, tony thought it was hilarious, elephant whisperer woke us both up at some point or another.
I think I always get confused on am I really not feeling well, or am I just sleepy and these chairs have arms and I can lay back in them and it will take someone longer to notice I'm sleeping?
probably always the second one.

-----------------------------------

I had a dream last night that I was hanging out with that kid who looks like a blonder erlend oye from ihop, the one I had a little bit of a crush on during orientation last year and then never saw him again (for awhile, but I see him now all the time, his dad was my teacher for song of songs).

and I was telling him that I thought he looked like erlend, and he was like "uh, we're cousins."

and I was like "noo, you're canadian [true, his dad was my teacher, I legit know this] he's from norway."

and he said "so what you're trying to tell me is that canadians and norwegians can't be related?" and I was like "well, I don't think so..."

and then I woke up. it was weird.

later days.

"It's enough to make a boy cry, it's enough to make me ill...to have so much, I wish I'd said..."

The Elms broke up.
I just thought you should know. A part of me broke up too. I've liked that band for about... nine years. I'm not old enough to like anything for nine years!
well, then again, I guess I am.

"...and have to walk away still."