I didn't forget; I did it on purpose.

I didn't forget about this, I didn't stop because I lost interest; I opened up the window every single night that I used my computer in the prayer room, since whenever the last time was. I opened up blank entries, I'd type either something witty if I could come up with it; or one word that I thought I could build off of, which would either become super relevant or super irrelevant depending on how the entry took shape, and then I would laugh to myself if the reason I chose it was because it made sense, or I chose it because it didn't.
   No one read the blog either way from as far as I could tell, but  I still felt this minor, albeit silly, sense of accomplishment updating all the time; when I stopped I felt a little disappointed, like that one person that stumbled across would be sad that I went away, because deep down we all just want to know people want us, and on a greater level, that someone needs up. Going off that for a second, I had this conversation lately, and though I don't feel like I have a lot of biblical insight personally (I think it's there, I just don't know it off the top of my head,) but I think that people need people, not just want people. I don't want argue and say they are not different concepts, they are completely different, but they are both true. I don't just want someone, I really need someone at different points in my life; I need the Lord all the time, I have the Lord all the time, I just need to choose to search for Him, but there are times that I need a tangible person, and God put that need in us. I don't think that was very much relevant to this paragraph, but there it is.
   When I stopped actually updating, I thought, well, one day I'll clear it all up, probably at the end. It's almost the end, and I'm not actually going to clear anything up. I'm just going to say, I'm not happy out the outside, I'm joyful on the inside. I'm a lover of God for struggles with iniquity, not a sinner struggling to love God; I'm a success, I know that my one simple glance ravishes His heart, and that if I seek Him I will find Him, and nothing else will do. But I know there are things in my life that I wish hadn't happened they way they did, I'm disappointed in the rose colored "religious"glasses that I saw certain things through, and when they turned out to just be human flesh and of the world like everything else, that it made me sadder than I should've.
Though, I have no regrets, I quit updating this silly thing with my day to day nothingness because I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to think about more than I already did (all the time) I didn't want to distract anything away from the fact that this season I am in, that is a mere...50 or so hours, at this point...from being completed, is really supposed to be about Him. And that's not what I would've talked about; I would've talked about how people let me down, and how I didn't think that God let me down as a cover-up for the fact that I felt like He kind of did for awhile.
I didn't want to repent for something that I knew I didn't even need to do. Even on a blog that no one reads on the internet.

So. There it is.
I have no idea what my life is going to be like in the next, well, even two months. I am fairly confident it will be here in Kansas City, being a part of the Prayer Movement; I am content with the fact that from another person in ministry's point of view, I am sitting in a room for hours on end, I kind of am.  But I know that I am shifting things, moving things, delighting and rending the heart of the Heavens. I plan on working, so I'm not really sure what the whole thing will look like, but I am young. I am dangerously young.

It is very weird that what I've done everyday for the past six months will be over in the matter of a weekend; as of Monday, I no longer am under the jurisdiction and control of Fire In the Night. I am not an intern anymore, I will just be an ihopper like everyone else. I won't have check in when I go places, and wear a badge with a terrible picture of me everywhere I go. I won't have to sleep on a squeaky bunk bed, and try to make myself sleep during the peak hours of everyone else's normal day. It will be weird to be back in real life, but I think the strangest part of the transition will be that it won't actually be that weird, that will take only a day or two, and then everything will be as if I never was on nights for six months, and it seems like it should be much bigger of a production physically.
I won't see the same 25 people I've been seeing every single day for the past six months, some of them ever again, and that's sad and strange and not that strange and sad all at the same time. The friendships I've had will become different things, some of them fading into nothingness, some of them fading into acquaintances and facebook friends; others will just become different versions of themselves now, strong ones, lacking certain characteristics and physical proximity. But, this isn't just in the internship, or IHOP, or me. This is the life I'm in right now.

What have a learned? I don't everything ever, and not a lot in particular. I trust Kirk Cameron a lot less that I did when it comes to theological themes (I didn't trust him much in the first place). I feel like I can read the Bible and actually be getting something out of it, which isn't like I didn't think I wasn't getting things out of it before now, now I just really understand.
I am loved. I am a lover. This is my success.
I miss Jesus, and I never realized I needed to.
He calls me Hephzibah, which means that His Delight is in me.
It's just a little while til I'll see Him, it's just a little while longer til I'll know him, it's just a little while longer and we'll be together...

And that I feel no condemnation in listening to Andrew Bird and reading novels, and sometimes idle talk is how you get to know someone, and it's much easier (and more productive) to talk to God about people than to talk to people about God. I don't feel condemned or guilty about any of this.
I'm excited to have a foundation for knowing what's right & wrong & worth feeling condemned about, and what's worth calling others' to righteousness about.
I'm so happy I did this. And I'm so happy to be finished.

So, right now I'm going to focus on he next month or so.
Or mainly, going to Cornerstone for free with Relevant, making a new friend named Garrett who's also going with Relevant. And then a lot of sitting out my by parents pool, and just putting to practice what I've learned.


Annnd.
Break.