I'm hungry, like an old vineyard song.

One of the verses that has been highlighted to me lately, and was confirmed today that it's actually the Lord whispering sweet nothings into my heart (Word 'kisses', a la Songs 1:1) has been Matthew 5:6, which says:

    "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied [filled]."

I have been feeling like I'm moving in circles, like I'm chasing my tail, but I want to be searching for the face of God; I feel the hunger in my heart, but I don't know if I'm doing anything right, but I feel the hunger. In the sermon on the mount, Christ says that those who hunger will be filled; He promised to fill me, and SOM is what I want to be living, so shouldn't I be feeling something?

I feel like all the girls in my internship (no names,) that would rant and rave in our Life Of David (or really any class that we were in the same class with CJ) that they were trying and they weren't feeling; I didn't feel like that, so I think I kind of blew them all off (also I was pretty mad at them, but not actually the point) and assumed they were striving too much. 

I think I'm striving too much.

I've been consumed with my seemingly unfufilled hunger for a few weeks now, feeling aimless and like I'm faking everything. When I was in the prophecy rooms today, I was a little nervous that it would come up some way, that would take it not as an encouragement, but as a tear down. When I sat down and the first person said they were getting Matthew 5 (well anything, honestly, but specifically) 6 my heart kind of twisted. Would this be an encouragement or a correction worded nicely? Then, he said "He hears you, He sees you and He delights in your hunger."  It was like a big exhale breath was let out of my spirit. He does see me, He does hear me, and He does think about me. His thoughts for me cannot be counted, and I am his delight; in this time that I am waiting on God (that I want to be a short time, and while it most certainly is, in the grand scheme of eternity, I am impatient and the fact that I've been repeatedly told to 'wait' for the past year, makes it feel so long, but I know it will be worth it).

I was reading in A Shepherd looks at Psalm 23 by Phillip Keller today at the Roasterie, and was kind of thrown off by the reappearing of Matt 5:6 in my day today (life, in general, not just day). It made me see it a little differently, in a even more clear way, and I am thankful for it. The chapter I am on is the one speaking about the 'He leads me beside still waters,' verse. I have always (or, since the first time I read this book, you know in the fifth grade or so) thought of it as the still part being important, kind of even more important than the water part, and (stupidly, like any stupid sheep) never looked at it in any connection to Sermon on the Mount (um, duh) (sometimes I am uncomfortably reminded of my ignorance and while it's annoying, it's good because it means I'm growing).  I underlined a few lines, and honestly, I can't express any better than ol' Phil Keller anyway. He knows what he's talking about.

"...Christ, our Good Shepherd, made it clear that thirsty souls of men and women can only be satisfied when their capacity and thirst for spiritual life is fully quenched by drawing on Himself..."

I'm supposed to be thirsty. I'm a stupid sheep. I'm striving sometimes (a lot of times,) but it's the journey I am on; I just have to remember, that even when I strive, or even when I fail, I can start again and He will love me in those times. He will fill me.

"He will lead un into the things of Him, Christ Our Lord, He will make us see that the life in Christ is the only truly satisfying life. We will discover the delight of having our souls satisfied with His presence. It will be He who will become to us very meat and drink -- that as His resurrection, overcoming life was imparted to me by His spirit and each day I will be refreshed and satisfied."

Good night, there are waaaaay too many FITNers in here.

(I love Jaye's team, though.)

The Devil and my really good hair day.

Today started out to be a really good day.
I woke up, feeling rested, cold, but ready to attack the day. Jane was driving down to Grandview, because we had our prophecy room appointments, and we wanted to make sure we were at the front of the line. Yesterday, I had a field day teasing and coiffing my hair into place, and that kind of work doesn't fall out very easily, so when I woke up with a little push a pin here and there I was off to a great start to the day. Hair is very important; as much as I do not want to sound like my mother, it really is important, like, really important. I, also, had purchased new skin wash & acne lotion at target last night and my skin was feeling soft and clean, which is always a nice way to feel when you wake up. It's great having new soaps and such (and by 'new' I mean any, I'm terrible at nightly rituals. I usually just take off my make up with ivory soap and Vasoline, but I've developed something akin to, well, teenage acne breakouts. I hate to have to admit that to anyone, especially on the internet, but it's the truth. Proper soaps and creams seem to be unavoidable at this point in my life, but I digress).
My mood was spectacular. I had spent the previous night thinking and praying favor over our time in the prophecy room, and I had a pretty good feeling that we were going to be encouraged in what was going to be spoken over us. Even though it was cold, the walk was even nice. I felt awake, happy, and pretty; good hair is so crucial, you know?
The prophecy room time was good; no one really said anything that blew me away, but it was encouraging and right on the money, as far as things go.

Actually, it was interesting, about a year ago I went to the prophecy room with Renae because she had reserved a spot for her friend, who got sick, and didn't want to go alone (and, heck, I was always at home, doing nothing). When I was in there, the only things that I really remember (even though I have it written down, someplace, I can't remember where) is that 'waiting on the Lord' was a reoccurring theme, and I was kind of annoyed on that; who wants to know they have to wait a bunch? yeah, not me.
Today what they said to me is that the Lord is delighting in my waiting on him, and He is glad for my hunger for him. And even though it was kind of repeated to me, that I need to wait on the Lord, I'm not as annoyed (not at all,) because now I understand it better, that it's not a punishment; I'm pretty excited to wait on the Lord, to be honest.
ANYWAY.

After we left the prayer room, Jane had to go straight to work, so I ate some breakfast and headed out on a jog. I got new running shoes (as previously mentioned) and I'm still breaking them in; they kill my calves, but I think that's just because they're running shoes and running works out those muscles. I think I'm mostly just a baby and need to keep up with running better. My run was good, even though it's not the same without my ipod, old mates of state and okkervil river aren't terrible things to run to (I'm using my blackberry as an mp3 player) they just aren't the Jonas Brothers. It was cold, but not too cold; the streets are littered with oak leaves and those leaves that look like dinosaur tracks, all yellows and browns, it's fall that makes you realize the positive aspects of Kansas City neighborhoods I think. I came home from my run refreshed, I washed my face, put a dress on and was going to head over to the roasterie to try and write (I'm trying to write everyday, even if I have nothing on my mind) and enjoy the greyness of the day. I was also going to buy a fleece cardigan with pockets from Target that I was eying yesterday, and I was pretty excited to exchange it with the sweater I was wearing, furthering my self-esteem boosting outfit. I went to get out in my car, and I couldn't find my car key...

Now, not being able to find your car key is much less daunting than not being able to find your car, I assure you, but without a key the car is kind of useless. I figured I had just dropped it in my room, and went back upstairs, assuming it would be a two minute trip and then I'd be back and on my merry way. But, two minutes turned into ten which turned into a half hour with turned into two hours which culminated in me having turned my room upside down and in tears on the floor, my good hair falling out of place everywhere and my soft cheeks red, physically unmasking my frustration. Like any responsible adult I kicked some stuff obnoxiously and frantically called my mom (as if she could really do anything, honestly, it seemed like a natural thing to do at the time). After that I calmed down and hashed out my day to my mom over and over, I re-looked through everything in my room, it was three in the afternoon (I first started looking a little after eleven) and I was drained and mad and took a forty five minute nap on my floor (yes, just on my floor). I had bad dreams, a lot of them; it's weird how many bad dreams you can have in a 45 minute nap, but you can, time kind of freezes when you sleep, and dreams that are only a few seconds long can feel like a terribly long time. I never found my car key. (Or, I still haven't found it. And it's twelve hours later). I did find a spare that enables me to drive but (for some reason) not lock my car. And I had to fight to remember why today was starting out as such a good day.

I think that the devil does that. Like that it all was kind of just a ploy to steal away the job I felt earlier, even the joy that I felt from my hair looking nice.

I don't know why I told this story, maybe because I wanted to whine and make it sound like I wasn't, I don't know.
But, in conclusion (ha,) I'm reclaiming my joy, and even if the devil tried he couldn't take it away.

(someone else's really good hair day)

writing writing writing.

I've been thinking a lot about writing lately; how much I wish I could do it for a living, how much I wish I hadn't dropped out of college (blech), how much I wish that would write more and actually realize my true potential (blech x's 20). And, in the midst of these thoughts, I am not writing anything about it.
I've hardly written in my normal journal even in the past... I don't know, two months? Let alone anywhere where anyone might read it. I think too much, I think about 'what am I gonna write? what if all jane does is point out everything I've spelled wrong, which is something I really hate. what if I actually suck?' all these thoughts, that have stopped me from writing. But the thing is, the only thing spelled wrong on this page, according to google (way smarter than jane) is 'blech', 'jane' and 'google' (probably because those second two are 'proper nouns' and need to capitalized, and 'blech' isn't a word, it's just a weird noise/sound description that only exists because of comic strips and the internet).  Thusly, here I am. Writing. About what? I don't know yet. We'll find out.
What's that rule? Write what you know? Write how you talk? Write about yourself? Oh, all those are right? Okay, then. I know about myself, so that's what I'll write about.

The past however long of my life has been extremely eventful and uneventful simultaneously; I think that's probably how everyone's lives actually are if you think about it. I moved back to Kansas City (or, came back, I wouldn't say that the weird two months of me laying around at home counted as my complete move back from Kansas City). It's been nice to be back, have a car, be much better at prayer room time, and knowing more people. I've still not had the life I wished I had, but it's been better. The whole internship thing really changed my perspective on a lot of things: God, people, myself; in that order mostly. I like all those things more, I think.
The internship, the time I was there, it made me think a lot harder about how I felt about myself, and aligning my thoughts about myself with the thoughts that God has about me. He delights in my brokenness, and every step that I take towards Him is miles and miles forward in the right direction; trying to figure things out on my own, and tearing myself down before anyone else gets a chance to is far more self-centered than accepting & believing that I am beautiful and created for love. That's cool. The time in the internship also made me realize that preeminence should be only given to Him, and that people are people and people are broken; I am stronger and weaker because of that fact, but it's only movement in the right direction. I am on the horizon of adulthood, and being in this mindset at the beginning of adulthood is the healthiest place to be; educated, successful, pretty, smart, accomplished or not, it's Him that matters and His place in my life. Now that I'm not in the confines of fitn, now that I don't have to be in the prayer room 6 hours a night, it makes all the things I learned in the internship real, because I don't have to focus on them. I hope that I am using what I learned; and I hope that when I don't use the things that I've learned, I can realize that I can always start again tomorrow.
So. that's kind of where I am now.

I am doing about 12-15 prayer room hours a week, working at the hoblob 24ish hours a week, and spending much too much time staying up too late and sleeping in til the afternoon. I need to get a second job after the first of the year, I'm praying for a coffee job; you should too, because I am so good at making coffee.

A few things that have happened since I wrote last?
-My car got accidentally stolen.
-I live in a house with a black version of my Grandma Joanie (Lord, bless both their hearts.)
-My car was returned the next day, laughed off as a funny misunderstanding.
-I made bunting out of felt, yarn, and hot glue.
-I've listened to a lot of MGMT.
-I am moved by Jesus, almost daily.
-I got new running shoes.
-I want to be more in love with Him; I also want to try and keep my room cleaner.

There, I wrote a whole completely disjointed entry. And, maybe, if we're all very very lucky. I'll write another one sometime, actually talking about something interesting.

But, that might now happen.
We'll see.

I had a good halloween costume.

trust me. it was fantastic. 

I mock my environment like a champ, good heartedly.