I've hardly written in my normal journal even in the past... I don't know, two months? Let alone anywhere where anyone might read it. I think too much, I think about 'what am I gonna write? what if all jane does is point out everything I've spelled wrong, which is something I really hate. what if I actually suck?' all these thoughts, that have stopped me from writing. But the thing is, the only thing spelled wrong on this page, according to google (way smarter than jane) is 'blech', 'jane' and 'google' (probably because those second two are 'proper nouns' and need to capitalized, and 'blech' isn't a word, it's just a weird noise/sound description that only exists because of comic strips and the internet). Thusly, here I am. Writing. About what? I don't know yet. We'll find out.
What's that rule? Write what you know? Write how you talk? Write about yourself? Oh, all those are right? Okay, then. I know about myself, so that's what I'll write about.
The past however long of my life has been extremely eventful and uneventful simultaneously; I think that's probably how everyone's lives actually are if you think about it. I moved back to Kansas City (or, came back, I wouldn't say that the weird two months of me laying around at home counted as my complete move back from Kansas City). It's been nice to be back, have a car, be much better at prayer room time, and knowing more people. I've still not had the life I wished I had, but it's been better. The whole internship thing really changed my perspective on a lot of things: God, people, myself; in that order mostly. I like all those things more, I think.
The internship, the time I was there, it made me think a lot harder about how I felt about myself, and aligning my thoughts about myself with the thoughts that God has about me. He delights in my brokenness, and every step that I take towards Him is miles and miles forward in the right direction; trying to figure things out on my own, and tearing myself down before anyone else gets a chance to is far more self-centered than accepting & believing that I am beautiful and created for love. That's cool. The time in the internship also made me realize that preeminence should be only given to Him, and that people are people and people are broken; I am stronger and weaker because of that fact, but it's only movement in the right direction. I am on the horizon of adulthood, and being in this mindset at the beginning of adulthood is the healthiest place to be; educated, successful, pretty, smart, accomplished or not, it's Him that matters and His place in my life. Now that I'm not in the confines of fitn, now that I don't have to be in the prayer room 6 hours a night, it makes all the things I learned in the internship real, because I don't have to focus on them. I hope that I am using what I learned; and I hope that when I don't use the things that I've learned, I can realize that I can always start again tomorrow.
So. that's kind of where I am now.
I am doing about 12-15 prayer room hours a week, working at the hoblob 24ish hours a week, and spending much too much time staying up too late and sleeping in til the afternoon. I need to get a second job after the first of the year, I'm praying for a coffee job; you should too, because I am so good at making coffee.
A few things that have happened since I wrote last?
-My car got accidentally stolen.
-I live in a house with a black version of my Grandma Joanie (Lord, bless both their hearts.)
-My car was returned the next day, laughed off as a funny misunderstanding.
-I made bunting out of felt, yarn, and hot glue.
-I've listened to a lot of MGMT.
-I am moved by Jesus, almost daily.
-I got new running shoes.
-I want to be more in love with Him; I also want to try and keep my room cleaner.
There, I wrote a whole completely disjointed entry. And, maybe, if we're all very very lucky. I'll write another one sometime, actually talking about something interesting.
But, that might now happen.
We'll see.
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