There's a lot going on in my head.

Paranoia. Frustration.

but, it's okay. I'm working through it.
I'm going to be honest, I've had a really tough week, which is why I haven't been updating this thing as consistently as I had been writing in it the past few weeks.
well, I started writing things in it five or six times, but they all were whiny and complainy and I didn't want to be whiny or complainy on here (anymore than necessary). so I didn't publish them. that's actually not what the internet is for. and I don't want to look at the entry a few months later and feel embarrassed that people could've read what was going on in my head over some issue that none of you know anything about.

so there you have it.

I have a lot of things to figure out. life is one of those things.
and finding somewhere to live... things like that.
things like that.

"I belong to Him simply because He deliberately chose to create me as the object of His own affection." -Philip Keller (A Shepherd looks at Psalm 23, Ch. 1 "The Lord is my Shepherd")

oh the hum...idity.

this a million percent humidity that has decided to grace me with it's presence is no good. I woke up today all sweaty and sticky, without the pants I went to bed in. I tried to make that sentence not sound dirty and ridiculous, I think that I failed pretty much at that one. but I only speak the truth.

my shoes are untied

I hate breaking in new shoes. especially kind of very flat narrow ones. ones that are not made for feet like mine, but since I am more interested in fashion than I am practicality  I will continue to wear them.
my goal with these shoes is for them not to hurt and for me not a stick my toes through the tops of them.
that is my goal in life, too.
for it not to hurt and for me not to stick my toes through the top of it.

it smells like rain.

it's been pretty crappy weather the past few days, when it comes to my hair looking decent; but when it comes to it being grey and springy and smelling all rainy and seattle-y, it's been a great few days.
it has also been a pretty great few days because I got stuff.

I got a backpack, and I got grey keds (not the ones I mentioned on the last blog, but just the classic champion ones) they're "slate" which is a great name. at off broadway.
which reminds me of just a nicer shoe carnival, and while I got some pretty legit new balances at shoe carnival, I hate shoe carnival.
it's like, these places are great, but it's like, TJ maxx, I just can't ever find anything that I want that is that good of a deal that's worth searching that long for it. but, I lucked out and got my backpack there too. just a plain khaki jansport; oddly enough the exact one that I wanted.
for twenty bucks! and my shoes were only 27 bucks!
God gave me favor at off broadway shoes. because He likes to bless me, and that I hate places like that.

I like how I've completely given up on trying to do what I'm supposed to do in the prayer room during the two to four sets. I mean, I'm in here, and I'm mostly paying attention. And mostly I'll just write about what I'm reading or in here, but sometimes, like tonight for instance I'm really antsy and really just want to stand outside and think about things (it's rainy) (i always feel like I'm in a movie when I do things like that, stare off at the rainy night sky, thinking about life). mostly tonight I'm looking at pictures of furniture and cute interior design stuff on tumblr and various other blogs.
um. sorry.

josiah has spent the past two weeks doing nothing but reading a science fiction book in the prayer room (for the whole six hours). I don't care if it was CS Lewis or not, it's still just reading some novels (note to self: find & finish that jonathan tropper book that you've had out from the library for a very, very long time that is like a month overdue). so I don't feel all that bad. at least I'm trying to be productive, and that I'm only doing it for the two to four sets.

do you ever have times when you just really like to type? I'm having that sort of feeling right now. I'm just really enjoying typing. hm. weirdo.

anyhow.
I'm ready for it to be summer. and I'm ready to go home for those few weeks. and I'm ready to move into my new house (that we're going to get..!) I know that I stress these facts every time that I write and entry here (doesn't matter, I'm the only reading them, so it's really fine).

only....thrity seven more days.
the fact that we're in the thirties now is terribly encouraging.
because that just means that we're weeks away. weeks. like five.
that's a little over a month. a month is not long. that means we're practically two thirds of the way.
I'm trying to make things seem better than they actually are.
thirty seven is a lot of days.
but it's not as many as seventy three. which is how many there were when I first started counting down.

"Oh, I can't wait to move back in September and be friends with you, Hannah."
--Kim, my roommate last night; I was telling them stories.
it was encouraging. it's also something that makes thirty seven days not that bad.

um. I painted my nails red. And I'm wearing a cute hat today (or, the hat is not that cute, but it looks cute...which is funny, because I wasn't going to wear it, but it was raining) and my new shoes.
and I just feel cute. I'm trying not to over-think it, because then I'll find a reason that makes me super insecure and ruin it.
I'm choosing to believe this is why the cute guy came and sat two seats away from me at the awakening tonight, even though when I was pacing he was sitting on the bleachers with his friend, and the row was empty and he sat very close to me.
oh, you...cute guy at the awakening...

or not, but I'll just think it to make myself feel better.

and. um. I don't know.

yep.

I kind of want to take a nap.

it's two thirty two. and I don't plan on going to bed in like... a very long time. but, I'm still kind of sleepy right now. it's quiet in the prayer room, it's relaxing. only I am sitting on the floor, so not so much, because it is not very comfortable to sit on the floor. so I'm not really planning on napping. but I'd like to.

taking a "vacation" from the internship/mission base tomorrow (you don't even know how excited I am, I mean, I love the mission base and everything but...) to west portish area to hang out with jane and to shop and to drink good coffee. I can. not. wait. like I'm counting down the hours til I can go. I'm going to go home and take a shower and dry & maybe straighten my hair (which will take time) and then I'm going to do track some of the stuff I'm recording (oh, I downloaded a different recorder than sarah found that is better than the first one I had. it saves things to mp3 files (yay) not wave files, and it doesn't make any obnoxious noises at any point. and apparently you can edit the tracks right there on the program, which I find interesting, I haven't tried yet. it's cool. sadly, the stuff that I recorded earlier in the week, or last week, like the one where natasha & jonas do this really sweet chorus called 'daddy, I love you' are expired and not on the webstream anymore). and then...maybe I'll go to higher grounds and waste time. but maybe not. I'll probably just chill out in my apartment, reading pride & prejudice and then head over to the city!
well, the practically almost city/midtown. more of the city then where I am now... the not even grandview city.

so, there is this weird guy who's just been hanging out at the prayer room for the past few days. sometimes we get people like that; they just show up out of no where, no where to stay, kind of dirty and kind of like "are you homeless? are you like a recently saved drug addict from uptown? like, did you go to hope city and they sent you here?" you can tell them from a mile away...mostly because, have you seen us ihoppers? it's like a freaking urban outfitters crossed with an anathallo concert up in here. you've never seen so many toms & skinny jeans in your life! I can count at least five or six dudes with hipster mullets, and the midwestern hipster beardy dudes? there are way too many of them. I'm weird with my PC, as opposed to a mac. you can tell when someone doesn't belong. don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled that there are people like that that show up, it's a good place to show up to. and I mean, think about it, it's open twenty four hours... and who's going to say anything to you if you're "praying too much". I mean, unless you're sleeping in the bathroom and changing your clothes in the lobby.
that's where it gets weird. like this guy was doing last night (I mean, I didn't see him sleeping in the bathroom, clearly, I was not in the men's restroom. but tony was).
and nicole told him that it was kind of awkward that he took his khakis off and down to him gym shorts (which I'm grateful for the fact that he had gym shorts on...but still, he took his pants off) in the lobby... and get this...he cried.
cried, sniffled, got red and splotchy. because she told him it was awkward to take his pants off in public, even if he had shorts on.
um. what.
he's very sweaty, the whole three nights that I've seen him (and days,) he's been just damp.
and he prays really loud in small group prayer.
ok, ok, I'm happy he's here, if it's helping him. but, I mean. there's a line somewhere, between creeper... and not creeper...

my butt is very cold from sitting on the floor for the past hour & a half.

only two & a half more hours in the prayer room.

and then my less than one day long vacation starts!
and then sarah & I are going to tony cintrone's with josiah to work on the shirts (well, I'm not working on anything, I'm just hanging out) and then going with hetty to robin hood! it's going to be a pretty nice day.
then I have apartment group dinner.
they were talking about having crazy hair...um. I'm sorry, I'm not at summer camp. so no thanks.
I don't wanna go. I don't want to get dressed up, and I don't want to eat spaghetti because it's pretty much my least favorite food.
and by least favorite, it's up there with sushi & lima beans. I do not like those things. at. all. they kind of make me wanna throw up.

hm. only 39 more days! or 38 if you don't count tomorrow!
and then take out the sabbaths and it's only like 32 more days! wow!
I can deal with that.
I mean, I can sort of deal with it.
what's making it easier is that my sister is coming out for ATC, which is two weeks long (that's so long! I'm so proud of her) and she's coming out in a little over three weeks. and then my internship is over a few days later.
so that's not that long. like three weeks isn't a long way away.
and then my mom'll come too, and we'll look at the house & stuff.
it'll be good.
that makes the time not seem so long.
until then... I'm tired of everything and everyone and I just want to watch some episodes of the hills, eat some macaroni and drink diet coke without anyone around.
but, you know, that's normal.

I'm wearing kim's toms...and it's making me really want new ones. I forgot how comfy & cute they are if they aren't falling apart. if I don't find a backpack tomorrow... or if I find one that's not a million dollars, and I can afford a forty dollar pair of shoes... ;)
I want them.
or, these:

how cute are they? grey, suede prokeds. but not the athletic ones that look too much like converse.

mmm, I want them.

 well. it's four, so I have to go.

later kiddies.

For He established a testimony in Jacob, And appointed a law in Israel, Which He commanded our fathers, That they should make them known to their children; That the generation to come might know [them], The children [who] would be born, [That] they may arise and declare [them] to their children,That they may set their hope in God, And not forget the works of God, But keep His commandments;And may not be like their fathers, A stubborn and rebellious generation, A generation [that] did not set its heart aright, And whose spirit was not faithful to God. Psalm 78:5-8

bored....

How many total songs?
2751, on my laptop.

Sort by Song Title - first and last?
A-punk by Vampire Weekend
/=/ by Andrew Bird


Sort by Time - first and last?
belly button by sufjan stevens
do you know the way you move me? by cory asbury

Sort by Album - first and last?
abbey road by the beatles
808s and heartbreak by kanye west

Sort by Artist - first and last?
aa bondy
the zombies


Find "death," how many songs show up?
three (the death of me-the lonely hearts, special death by mirah, the angel of death came to david's room by mewithoutyou)

Find "love," how many songs show up?
181... ;)

Find "peace", how many songs show up?
two (peacetime resistance by kings of convenience, aaron held his peace by anathallo)

Find "Sweet", How many songs show up?
four (sweet ride by mando diao, so sweetly to me by page france, oh my sweet carolina by ryan adams, sipping on the sweet nectar by jens lekmen)

Find "Eyes", How many songs show up?
six (behind your eyes by jon foreman, jesus let me see your eyes by cory asbury, eyes on the horizon by brendan benson, open you eyes by minus story, green eyes by discover america, open my eyes by 'ihop')

Find "You", How many songs show up?
395...

Find "Me" or "I", How many songs show up?
me- 666 (eek!)
I... all of them, so that doesn't really count.


hm..... blah.

"I have much farther to go...I'm so confused...I should just kick my heels together and go home..."

"but I lost my way back home, when I lost you..."

sometimes I forget how much I love Rosie Thomas. Probably because it's only on my ipod which is always dead. But I love her. Like a lot.
This is probably one of my all-time favorite songs ever, 'much farther to go'; lastfm is currently playing a version I've never heard, which is just her.
I hate when lastfm plays versions of songs that are not the regular version, because I usually like it better and I don't know where it's from, because it's not the album version. like of this tune.

as much as I love the one with denison & suf, this one? oh dear. the "doo-dah-dahs" are to die for.

rosie..... gee thanks, my morning's good now.

I'm supposed to be getting up early, because I'm hanging out while josiah & sarah make plans for this shirt that he's going to try to sell with his face on it.
& they need a person so it's not a one on one (I'm so tired of silly stuff like that...39 more days...)

my past couple of days have been okay. we had Hope City yesterday, I had to be outside with the kids. I talked to Tiffany; she's sweet. God is teaching me a lot. a lot.

earlier in the prayer room, I was pacing, and jonathan rizzo came in early and was pacing opposite of me (like in the same space) and he didn't know it, but we were wearing the same outfit. dark jeans & the 10th anniversary grey ihop shirt. but, I put my cincinnati sweatshirt on, so he didn't see it. when I saw him I visibly chuckled... he probably thinks I'm such a weirdo.... because he happened to making eye contact with me at the time.

it was funny. to me.

fionn regan...rosie thomas...okkervil river...sufjan...

soundtrack of my morning.

I need to get some sleep. my bed's calling out to me, finally I'm tired...

zach sims has a nice voice to sing hymns with; I like that he does that.

later-wayter.

I need to learn to love people.

I just need to learn how to do it.

I saw Stephen at church.

He got a haircut, what a relief. He was also wearing a plaid shirt.
we did not talk.

um, also. fail this morning. no tim, just jace. not the face I wanted to see, jace.

I'll talk to you later.

um, one more thing.

someone should remind me that looking at pictures of dudes on facebook at quarter til four in the morning isn't any less depressing when you're supposed to be awake then it is when you aren't supposed to be awake.

...must. stop. that.

my butt is asleep.

I like sitting in the back, on the floor, with my computer, during these sets. but I'm sick of my butt falling asleep if I sit one way, or my feet if I sit another, or my leg.
and it's just cold down here, at least where I'm sitting today.
not so much where I was sitting yesterday. then again, it wasn't very cold yesterday.

it's not very cold today, but it's very wet and damp and rainy. blech, why ya gotta be like that kansas city?

everything's bugging me today. like major, major.
I got to see jane today though, well tonight, she came and hung out with me. we sat in the foyer at the awakening and talked while her dad sat in the awakening for an hour or so.
ryan kondo was singing in korean. which was interesting. he was doing it phonetically so it was all just like weird sounds that he was saying with an american accent. I was impressed that he tried though.
apparently, I mean, ashley & micah prior can speak korean and they didn't even try.
I mean, I don't know if they can speak it that well... or why on earth they speak korean (??)
people are really getting on my last nerves today.
but, this morning is tim reihmerr before I go to bed, and then I have to work in CEC tomorrow (I finally remember!) and then it will be monday, and I like mondays.
well, kind of. I don't like going to hope city that much. but, only like 5 more times after monday. and we always get to eat

haven't found my wallet yet....

jane graduated college today.
I didn't accomplish anything today.

my hair is really soft, and it's kind of annoying. this having pretty hair, as opposed to ratty/half dreaded hair is tough.
but, you know, I can run my fingers though it.

it suddenly smells like cheese.
oh man, is tonight bread night?! I'm hungry. I hope so.
I hope that it's not raining too much when I leave.
And that there's some bread left, because I ain't leaving early from tim's set (ooh, or maybe we'll get lucky and it'll be jonas) for no bread.
my roomies'll get the good kind anyway, they leave on time.

um. blah entry.
I was pretty sure that this entry was going to be a lot more whiny than it actually was.
which means I should probably stop while I'm ahead.

g'night.

"Caution, door may open at any time."

that's the sign I just noticed that is on a door that I've been leaning against for the past forty-five minutes.
oh, shoot! that would be awkward. and probably hurt. (where does the door lead? behind the map on the wall? what is back there? there can't be much room back there...)

my headaches are getting worse everyday. as in: I have one at least twice a day that bothers me enough that I have to walk out of the prayer room or wherever I am and try to get quiet.
also, I lost my wallet yesterday, so I have no money and well, no wallet (which is worrisome).
I really need to find it. and I need to get a diet coke. and I need some excedrin migraine.

I just sat in the healing chairs for a long time, it was nice. though, it kind of startled me every time someone would come up and pray for me. because I would be really relaxed and think that they were like, trying to wake me up or something, because I would be in that really jumpy almost sleeping stage.
my head feels better though.
my stomach is still feeling a little rough (I haven't mentioned the stomach, but it's pretty much just normal stuff, only slightly worse than normal days).
but my head is feeling a lot better.
the healing chairs are nice, I've never sat there before. they are comfy, they have arms and like space to kind of just chill out.

sarah edwards is playing this set, it's nice. I love sarah edwards. and it's with clay's team. I like clay's team, with micah & ashley prior, I like their voices. and joseph is singing on this team tonight, joseph is one of my favorites. I mean, he's pretty much my favorite ohio-native-chinese-future-doctor ever.
and probably my favorite joseph, but he got lucky there, I don't know too many josephs.

davy's dancing again during this set, it's beautiful.

I just saw on facebook (shhh,) that nathan prior is moving back from colorado.
it's funny, I don't know nathan prior, but I miss his presence. I think because before I lived at ihop, and I had only visited a few times I remembered like one or two faces. misty edwards.... and nathan prior. I have no IDEA why I remembered nathan, but I did. maybe I have boys-in-glasses-radar. dunno.
but without him around all the time, it's been weird.

I wish I could put lines in entries here the way you could on xanga. I kind of miss xanga. I miss talking to sophie all the time. I know there's facebook (or telephones...) but, you know. the age of xanga was fun.
I was in high school then.....hm. it seems super long ago, but it really wasn't. not really.
but then again, it was, like really really. most of my friends from high school are either graduating college these past few weeks or they're like incoming seniors (!!!) in college. janey-waney graduates tomorrow.
life is weird, guys. it's just weird.

micah just sounded so good singing, I really, honestly, honestly, honestly didn't know it was him.
go micah. we're gonna be friends one of these days... once you realize how fun we are, and how much I love hipster mullets...well, there is no reason not to be my friend. and sarah's.
ya know. you'll be at dope pedal headquarters with us allllll the time.

I hate when your feet fall asleep. and even more when MINE fall asleep.
I went to the Nelson today, I haven't been in forever. and I was like really excited to see the pieces I like, and I told sarah that I kandinsky is my favorite.
and I don't know why she thought it was okay to say at all, but she was like "Oh? I hate Kandinsky. If he was alive I'd punch him in the face." but, like it wasn't funny, but it wasn't really mean, or necessary. I was just like:
um. k. that's very mature and cool of you to say?
she didn't like anything cool. so there you go.
I was happy to see it.

I miss hanging out. I miss going to Jane's too late at night and her cat hatin' on me. And going to broadway.
and having a car.
but mostly hanging out. and seeing people. and kansas city.
I love kc. I never get to see it anymore.

I have an hour's worth of tim reihmerr & jonas's set from this morning recorded, hopefully I'll get another forty or so minutes.
I hope some of it sounds good. Because I'm gonna track it up when I get homeeeee.

happy saturday.




(I wonder if renae knows.)

I hate when my feet fall asleep.

I also hate that my computer is apparently dying, even though it was charged most of the day today, and that I'm sitting in the back, where I can't plug it in. which is lame-city.
oh well. it dies, it dies.

I just talked to sara on facebook chat (shhhhh, no one saw me do it!) and I'm glad. it's been too long since I've really talked to her.
she wants to come visit in the summer time, when we have a house and she'll have a place to stay and I'm not in this stupid internship.
it'll be killer. i am going to take her to the plaza, and the nelson, and west port, and higher grounds maybe on a monday morning... to scope out the dudes, ya know.
I need an outside of here visitor to come see where I live. it's cool, I wish more people could see it.

apparently I've given up capitalization minus i's. I have to capitalize the i's. IIIIIIIIII.

dang, that dude who looks like common as some clean shoes.
davy is a beautiful dancer, and her buzzed hair looks hott.

I wanna hang out with oscar & kevin, I need to laugh.
I wanna go hang out at kev's and play with the dog.  sarah talked to jonas yesterday about the dog, and about her pancake stuff. apparently they're buds now. ha, this is good news.
mostly I wanna play with that dog...

there is a dude in the prayer room with really legit mutton chops. I saw him from the side and thought--ah, a beard? nope, an almost beard. weird.

tomorrow I'm hopefully getting up early to go to JD's and hang out with sarah, or hopefully.
JD has big dogs, and a house that smells lovely (like rustic & wood). it's a beautiful house.

um.
I shouldn't have this much to say in one day.
but the problem is, now I've moved to another chair (there was a desk open! I know, what!)
so I'll just keep using my computer (which I'm really limited on what I can do...I probably shouldn't even be doing this...but I am) until four.
I hate when the ushers have people move to the front because it's when we're on GodTV. I hate HAVING to move.
sorry, GodTV.

Mmmm, I keep thinking about moving into the house on 107th terrace. I keep thinking about our cute backyard. I keep thinking about flowers, and making dinners and having people over. I keep thinking about how we might have a dog, how fun it'll be.
I hope we get it! only...well, like a month til we can try.
I'm anxious for it. I keep praying about it, trying not let myself be too disappointed if is doesn't work out.
But, dang, I really hope it does!

My sweatshirt is really ugly (on the back) but, I mean, it was five dollars. It's comfy, and it has a hood and pockets. And it was five dollars.
I really liked the bold coffee I had earlier, but it really didn't like me. My stomach has been in knots all daaay.
but I think that's just remainder of the stomach flu I had the other day. Either way, that coffee tasted good.

mm, I wanna go to the roasterie. or to broadway. or to coffee girls. I want good coffee. I want black coffee from the roasterie, and I want a soy latte from broadway, and I want a smoothie with yogurt in it from coffee girls (and to hang out with Jordan! I miss her like crazy, it's even worse that I see paige all the time, and paige & I aren't friends...but paige looks just like jordan, only with longer hair. but then it throws me off, because I don't know paige, and she's not my buddy).

two hours and twenty minutes. until I get to go home and sleep.



¹³For You did form my inward parts; You did knit me together in my mother's womb.
    ¹⁴I will confess and praise You for You are fearful and wonderful and for the awful wonder of my birth! Wonderful are Your works, and that my inner self knows right well.
-Psalm 139:13 & 14

I don't need to update twice in one day! But I don't care!

Today has been a decidedly good day. I decided that it has been.
I've been up for a long time, but I actually slept enough to back that up. I had some serious talking to Jesus time in the shower, and I'm pretty sure that things are going to be good.
I only have ... 45 more days! and that's a really manageable number. Only 40ish more days til we can go look at our house and I'm hoping will be ours!
I've decided that God's going to heal my migraines.
I'm so happy with yesterday's coffee "date" (I hesitate to even jokingly use that word, but ya know...)
I think that it did a lot more in my life than anyone would really understand... I mean, maybe some people would understand. But mostly it's important that I understand.
My hands smell so much like Aussi Scrunch hairspray....! My hair is so long, but I think that I like it. It looks like me today.
Oh! and Dave Clark called me today (I know, weird, right?) But really good weird. The reason he called was that he needs my address so that he can send me a paycheck from like a year ago February! The one I thought I lost! It's so cool! I don't know how much money it is, but it will hopefully cover the books I need for SEEP, and stuff like that! I'm stoked!
God is so good to me.
I have to go back and get my ID and then go to the awakening.
Well, after I finish recording this sweet Jon Thurlow bit of the set Wednesday...
He is one hell of a piano player.
So good!

I was walking to higher grounds to get my second coffee for today (I got bold this time, it's actually really good. And I generally don't like French Roast) and I was walking in and held the door open for Zach Sims, who was walking out and physically walked into me. He was so embarrassed and awkward.
It was much cuter than it should've been.

Off to the awakening.
I bet those Koreans have taken my seat...

edit:: well, an hour later and I'm back... they did take my seat. plus there was no check in. but if anyone asks, ask joseph wan, I was there! I was the only white person on the shuttle. joseph made fun of me for it.
also, I got this really ugly sweatshirt.

this coffee was so good. and my hand look huge!

I just went to drink coffee, and the hole wasn't at my mouth...

but the corner of my mouth, so the whole drink of coffee I still wanted to get into my mouth just ended up on my lap. it was awkward.
but lucky enough for me, no one saw me.

this is most likely because I am outside, because there is no where to sit in higher grounds because there are hundred of koreans. they all may or may not be in higher grounds right now.

my life is weird. I'm happy that my life is weird, but at the same time not.
I was in line for coffee, and poor donato, he gets so distracted for one, and for two some guy got in line from the wrong end and donato was like "um, you just cut all those people..." and (forgot that I was in line) and the guy was like "NU UH. THOSE PEOPLE AREN'T MOVING IN LINE THEY'RE JUS STANDIN' THERE!" (they are koreans, guy, they don't know there is a line! they don't understand...) and then Jonas came and got in line next to me, and was like overly nice and polite and charming, and got everyone distracted, and instead of donato helping me (who had been standing there this whole two minutes or so) he got Jonas's coffee and Jonas was all like "You guys are great! I'm having a great day! How're you! Blah blah blah! I have a beard and am very cute and you are in your pajamas!" (although, he didn't say any of those things, but he was really really nice, and did say hello and did tell them he was having a great day before they could ask, and make a deal that he drinks his coffee black) (I am in my pajamas, and he does have a beard) (and yesterday stephen DID describe Jonas as being a "tall, really good looking, kind of bearded dude")
Either way. It took like five minutes to get my coffee, because everyone ever was distracted by the mean guy and by Jonas being a super not mean guy.
It reminds me of working in coffee shops.

Luke Roberts just walked by with JD and he is not wearing much of a shirt. Like, it's cold out (I'm cold, in my cincinnati sweater) and what? Luke? are you just so manly you don't need to wear a shirt? with sides or sleeves? is that allowed?
were you doing manual labor?
most likely.

my coffee was very delicious, and now... not so much. mostly because it is cold.

So. I got "coffee" (ie-I got coffee and inhaled it while he talked to me) with stephen yesterday. just like my mom wanted (I'm sorry, capitalization? not so much). it was.... really good? well, good enough that we talked for like ...almost four hours. holy cow, i know, right? i haven't talked to anyone for four hours in a very long time. we talked about the Lord and what's been going on in our spiritual lives the entire time, and everytime we tried to like end the conversation started talking again about the new jerusalem or something like that and talked for another twenty minutes. like four different times. it was really cool to have someone really interested. and I mean, seriously, it was weird how okay I was. like more okay that I would be talking to like anyone. I told him stuff about how I dealt with a lot of depression and stuff...things I don't tell just anyone (the way that I was telling them) and about how i hated heritage for awhile (i didn't specifically mention he was included, but i'm sure he got the drift) and just...it was weird. in a good way.
so that's what I meant, I guess, about life being weird in a good way.
also that getting in line for coffee was way more dramatic than it needed to be, and just that I witnessed something happen that I've experienced so many times, a slightly good looking guy completely throwing everything off by being nice, and you give in to it because they're being nice (girls don't usually do things like that, a really charming guy can throw off even dude baristas...or you know, donato and fred, so I don't know if that would apply to most of life). that was weird, to be on the other side.

um. um. um.
go me, for updating this blog like everyday for the past however many days (three or four?)
I dunno. even if I'm the only one reading it. I am happy about it.

AMBITIOUS. that's the word I couldn't think of the other day. I'm glad that I figured it out.
it's funny, fannypacks look dumb even on the hipsters who try to wear them, but korean housewives can pull them off totally fine.

i left my cellphone charger in the bathroom yesterday, and it got moved, and i don't know where it is.
i think i need to take a shower, my hair is...well, it looks better than it did most of the time last track, but that is not good.

stephen was SHOCKED when i said fred, that korean kid, from northern, was one of my best friends.
SHOCKED. way more than he should be. but i kind of understand.

all the brymers kind of look the same. like younger versions of david brymer, who my mom always said looked like "john the beloved", whiech is weird, because how on earth would she know what john looked like? we don't even know what Jesus looked like, and that would make slightly more sense because there is a general idea in our lexicon of what he may've looked like.
dark hair? beardy? manly?
playing music on misty edwards' team?
definitely john the beloved.

ehhhhh, my computer is going to die.

another post! I'm all coming 'atcha!

I'm in higher grounds...I'm actually very tired. Which I'm usually not (it's only quarter til nine). Yes, quarter til the "nineish" that I'm supposed to be meeting Stephen, I'm kind of really nervous (as I am like no matter what or who I'd be meeting, when I have nothing to say, and I haven't talked to them in so long) but actually just wish he would get here, because it actually makes me more nervous to be here alone. I'm sad that Sarah isn't here.

OH. Stephen's here...

wish me...peace.

Oh, I see how you did that...

Changed "naked" to "there with you".
Very, very clever Brandon; but it's good, cause I like that song...
"when being in Your arms is the permanent state...I wanna be in Eden..."


My foot keeps falling asleep.
I've gotten much better at being consistent. Although, my content needs some work.

Tonight is going by fast...reading blogs and writing blogs...it's almost four.

I currently sitting on the floor of the prayer room,

looking up verses on biblegateway.com, trying to make it look like I am not completely distracted and preoccupied tonight.
Which I am, distracted and preoccupied.
I am distracted because tomorrow is sabbath, and I'm ready for sabbath--even though I spent all of yesterday either over the toilet (ew, yes throwing up) or in bed (mostly in bed) and didn't do anything. I'm ready to not have anywhere to go. Hopefully we can take a walk over to Kevin's or something. I'm ready to have a break... I know that's terrible, but I'm always very, very ready for sabbaths to come.
I'm also slightly preoccupied with the fact that I told Stephen I would get coffee with him in the morning (I asked, because it was just too weird that he had been here so long and we hadn't even said hello to each other) (and my mom told me to) and I've just been trying to figure out what I'm actually going to say to him. I guess I'll just talk, I'm usually pretty good at that. Though, I am usually not talking to Stephen. I think very hard before I even respond to him on Facebook... and still say stupid things... so who knows what'll come out of my mouth when I have no time to process.
It'll be okay. He's on my turf, you know? (gah, I'm just not sure why I said yes....)

It's all kinds of  cold in the prayer room.
I am having a lot of fun with this fancy little recorder thing I've got here... I have this thing that records what comes out of my speakers. And it's really cool. I've been recording things off youtube & the prayer room archive like nobody's business!
I'm a little disappointed I'm too late to get the really intense clay edwards' set from a few weeks ago, and the time that Jonas lead the other week that was really good. Oh well, there will be more good Clay sets (like all of them) and I'm sure Jobro will lead again sometime and I'll catch it.  But it's really cool.
Now I can make, like, my own little limited editions. And I can send them home to my mom, and I can record things that I actually was in the room to hear.
It's neeeeeat. Oh, computers. Sometimes they amaze me.

Sarah found a water bottle in the MPR tonight that had a big Montana sticker on it...and she almost took a drink of it (because it's the same kind as her's, you know just one of those nalegene ones) and then she saw the name on the lid... which is pretty funny... Jacob Yakos.
He's Kevin's roommate, we've met him... And see him pretty much everyday in Higher Grounds...
The whole thing was just really funny, that she found that water bottle, of all water bottles to find. She put it in the lost and found... even though we know where to find him.

nothing else fun has happened.
nothing not fun has happened really either.


Um. It's three am. Only three more hours until sabbath. Only three more hours until Jon Thurlow...
I've spent the past hour recording things from the prayer room on mute. I hope that it worked...it seems like it is...

this entry reminds me of me xanga days, all over the place! but semi-coherent.
um.

love, hannah

New Year's Resolutions

So, for the past two years my new year's resolutions have been really stupid. Like, I've only kept new year's resolutions for the past two years.
In 2009 I had three:
-Never miss the Office (done and done)
-Don't eat Great Steak more than once a month (done and done)
-Wear a 12 consistently (ehhh.)
2010 I had a few more
-reread pride & prejudice (3/4 of the way there)
-drink more black coffee (failure)
-write a lot (this could be any sort of success, because I don't know what I mean by 'a lot', but I'm probably succeeding)
-listen to the beach boys (how much? though, I don't think I've been doing all that great)
-seriously read the Word (true!)
-become a better steward of my money (what money?)
-rewatch LOTR (I haven't watched...any movies in 2010)
-pray for my future husband (I think I need to stop doing this)
-learn how to fast (fail.)
-wear a 12 consistently --Okay, so this is the one that I'm going to hone in on right now. It's been on both of my lists. And, last year I failed. I was pretty sure that this year I was going to fail.
And I'm here to let you know. I am currently wearing size 12s and they are falling off.
so. Here's to the rest of 2010, the year of maybe-I'll-actually-wear-size-10s.

something kind of funny I found today.

Here are somethings that I wrote in october in my smaller journal (the one that I just wrote random things in. aka-my moleskine) generally in the middle of class or sermon notes. generally sermon notes, considering that these particular things I've found written in margins and so on are well... you'll see...

they're pretty funny (well, to me, they might not be funny  to anyone else.)

this is just the kind of absolute creep I apparently am.

"10-09-09 blah...friday. EGS. End TImes (allthetimeswetalkaboutthisihop)
MATT 24
THE NORTHFACE
ABOMINATION OF DESOLATION
misty is very skinny...and it is very cold.......... Oh beardy boy who is sitting in front of me...you. you are friends with {insertnamehere} aren't you? I saw you at higher grounds with him the other night when I was there with renae...you. are. very adorable.
I'll go on a date with you if you want.
We can watch a dumb boy funny movie, if you're into that sort of thing (becauseiam)
Or a cowboy movie, or a war movie..I'll even just come over to your probably dirty house [true. it's dirty.] and we can watch like WWII documentaries, I feel like you might be into stuff like that (hopefully cowboys).
or, you know, we could go on a hike, those are some 2 LEGIT 2 QUIT new balances you have on there. do you like colorado? or mountains? I mean, not only do you have that beard, but also that nice northface zip up (I want one) to keep you very warm (hey, your friend has one too... but he does not have a beard like you, but kind of does have a lazy eye.)
I just feel like you like climbing things.
you can teach me how to rock climb. and we can watch tombstone. come on...it will be fun...."
all the note I took that night.

and then, here's another little note to the beardy guy...

"10-23-09 EGS friday.....*incoherent scribbles* 10/40 window *more scribbles* three critical factors of the "signs of the times"....matthew twenty four, no one will no the time or the hour....*squiggles and such*.... (oh beardy boy that is sitting in front of me again... you have very pretty eyes, and you keep glancing over your shoulder, and I just keep looking at them...they're really light colored, especially next to the rest of your face...which is kind of covered in hair. What color are they? grey? blue? hazel? I dunno...also. beard. there aren't good enough words to express...that. I am not a beard fanatic, quite like a lot of girls are anymore, but my goodness. few people have achieved that level of beard success quite like you have...so well done, sir. well. done." (and then there's a playlist that has a lot of the avett brothers on it, and those are all the notes I took that night)


(I DON'T KNOW WHY THIS BLOG LOOKS LIKE THIS. WITH TINY FONTS AND STUFF.)

IHOP, make this happen.

 I want Mason Gentry and Jon Thurlow and Jonas Park to lead at night, for the rest of the nights I have to be there. Okay guys? Okay, sounds good.

I talked to my mom on the phone today.

She asked me why I hadn't gone out of my way to try and hang out with Stephen since he's been in Kansas City. Um, I'm sorry, why haven't I done anything not related to Fire in the Night in the past six months? Oh right. Because I'm in Fire in the Night and it pretty much takes up all my time. Oh, and that it's Stephen, I really don't think we have anything to say to each other. I mean, really. We barely have anything to say to each other on Facebook, I feel like actually hanging out would result in a lot of awkward silences. But that's just me.

I mean. Maybe not.
But, I'm thinking that would be it.

I got two new pairs of pants, praise the lamb.

Okay.

I know I just posted something, like ten minutes ago or something.
but I'm just sitting here in the prayer room, on the floor, leaning against the southern tip of South America on the map. And I was just closing my eyes, thinking about stuff. My mind was like in forty different places, and I was just anxious, and then I realized.
None of this matters. None of it. Nothing that I'm thinking about, wanting so desperately to be on days, to be doing something with my life, to write, to complain, to get married. All these things are okay things, they are good things even.
But really.
I already found where I belong, and that's in His presence, soaking up His delight in me.
everything else will fall into place, I just have to rest in His heart.

so there you go.

It's star wars day.

Well, I guess techinically it was star wars day, but on my schedule even though it's three in the morning on wednesday, that still counts as tuesday. And really the way that I live my life, it's still tuesday until whenever I go to bed on Wednsday. So sometimes my Tuesdays (or any other day for that matter) can last sometimes until noon the next day. Either way. Happy Star Wars day. May the Fourth be with you.

I had a little heart to heart with my coreleader last night, about how things are going (which is not super well, I've been getting migraines like it was my job, I've had three this month).  I didn't mean to be so blunt with her, but it just kind of came out, and I told her that I'm just really burnt out, and I really just hate the nights. Like I crave the morning. I want so badly to be on mornings, not even just days, mornings. I want to go to bed at eleven pm and wake up at five thirty, not eat dinner at eleven at night and go home for the day at six in the morning. I want to be just getting here, after sleeping all night, at six in the morning. I want to be in the prayer room for sets that I like, not waiting around after I've been here for six hours to hear just the beginning of the sets. I don't know, I just want to be normal. I guess for the first time in my life. I think more than anything, nights have mad me realize how anxious I am to grow up and be normal.

I think that Sarah and I may've found a house to live in after the internship. It's actually on the same street that I used to live on, E 107th Terrace, which is a little bit father away than I would've wanted (considering when I lived there it wasn't far from the prayer room, but I also had a car to drive, it took two minutes to drive to the prayer room, but like a half hour to walk to the prayer room). But it's a really nice area, and the house is pretty affordable, and we already might have someone to live with us, Alina, who is my roommate now.
It's nice to have something to move towards, although it's making the last...fifty three days... of the internship do by pretty slowly.
Although, at this point I think anything would make them go by very, very slowly.

You know what else is going by slowly? This night. I'm kind of hungry (tomorrow, I think I'm going to eat chick-fil-a) and I'm just anxious. Also probably breaking rules by reading wikipedia articles in the prayer room.
I have a half and hour to continue doing so.

I'm trying to update my blog more often, you know, but I just can never come up with anything to say.

He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For by Him all things were created that are in heaven and that are on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or principalities or powers. All things were created through Him and for Him. And He is before all things, and in Him all things consist. And He is the head of the body, the church, who is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, that in all things He may have the preeminence
-Colossians 1:15-18

Open wide my door, my Lord, my Lord...

I was just sitting outside

Using my computer.

And sitting at the table next to me is this random beardy crusty hipster kid that Sarah & I call "Jacob-Charlie" even though his name is just Jacob, not Jacob-Charlie, and this other guy with a sweet afro.

J-C randomly pulls a giant flashlight out of his bag and puts it on the table.
The afro guy said  "What's that for?" (completely valid question, they were talking about the book of joel, not anything related to a flashlight)

and J-C says "Oh. Camping."

and the afro guys says "Oh. Cool."

and then they continue talking about Joel, and no one says another word about the flashlight that is just chilling on the table. Five or so minutes later they get up and leave and Jacob-Charlie puts the flashlight back in his bag.

What.

I love IHOP.

I'm doing it again.

I'm doing that whole listening to archives on the webstream instead of listening to real music. But this time I have shallow motives, so I feel way more cool. Cute dudes are involved.

I've meant to update the past few days, but I couldn't because of the fact that the dumb dumbs around here let their wifi be unable to connect to for four days. FOUR DAYS. And from what I could tell all that needed to be done was probably that I need to reset their router. But I mean, I don't know what I'm talking about. But still.

Things have been okay.
I still haven't finished my testimony completely; I've been putting off finishing it because I don't want to actually type it. Also that I don't know if I should include the dream I had about the awakening or not. I don't think it's that's relevant. I mean, it is. But it's a long story. The stupid thing is like five pages as it is. It's supposed to only be like two.
I guess old habits die hard. You know like ones where I don't know how to write anything even remotely short.

Um, my sleeping schedule is super weird.  I've been getting up too early for how long I've actually been sleeping, or sleeping for like 15 hours at a time. I really cannot stress how badly I want to be on days again. Like I cannot. This night thing, if I wasn't doing what I am doing, would probably render my emotions & well, mental stability, completely wrecked. Like I'm halfway there, but I've got a little bit of the joy of the Lord keeping me on track. But only barely. I just can't wait to be out in the sun during the day, and up in the morning, and all that. Drinking coffee because I love the taste of coffee again, and not because I am afraid of falling asleep around three am because I am fighting my natural need for a serotonin boost at noon and can't sleep.

Anyhow.
that's about all I've got to say.
I think I'll put all the entries I posted in that other blog here, and just backdate accordingly. I'm all about consolidation.

\cheers.